Simple Complexity

 

I fancy myself normal~ish

I have the ability to be a freak, or cuh-rayze, or irresponsi​ble, or selfish ... These impulses exist within me at varying levels and frequency ... but I choose to regulate those impulses to the best of my ability

 

I said to the best of my ability. I didn't claim to be a success story

 

I am aware of my weakness​es. The primary one lies in my what I call my contentmen​t reflex.

I tend to find a way to adapt to my environmen​t, {find my sweetspot} and ease myself into a routine. I get annoyed when that routine changes, but I either ignore the change if its temporary, or adjust if it isn't, and roll with the new "routine".

 

I find that way too often, I forget that other people are not like me, and they need other things.Many people actually want change, sometimes even crave the disruption, and welcome the feeling that a non-routine life brings them.

 

I have a hard time wrapping my brain around that admittedly. I think this is mostly because my whole life thusfar has been shaped by disruption​. These disruptions have been caused either myself directly or have thrust upon me by circumstan​ce. Not enough patience and time to detail these disruptions right now.

 

For the purposes of this blog the important thing to note is that since I was very young (probably 5 or 6 years old) I have longed for stability and some sort of routine. This longing is what burns at my center and keeps my head focused on the goal of having normalcy, and a good old fashioned drama free existance. This existance has been at the tip of my finger tips at times it has seemed, but has eluded me for one reason or another.

 

My wish it seems has finally been granted. I have that normalcy in my life now. I am so blessed in so many areas, and it is a relief and a frightening thing all at the same time. I get concerned that my longing for normalcy thrusts my parter into a place of boredom. My loved ones are what give me my strength and what fuel my desire to keep life stable. The stability that I provide, and work for, is not meant to be restrictive or cumbersome for the people I love. There are times that I fear it is.

My Wife...

She is strong but kind. She is emotional but practical. She is a dreamer that refuses to abandon reality.

She often asks me why I love her, or what I love about her ... Today, I can sum it up in one word ... balance.

She is a blend of so many wonderful qualities, but everyone has special qualities, that alone doesn't make a person extrordinary. It  is very rare to find someone that has balance, or even the ability to attempt to achieve it. My wife possesses extraordinary balance.

I love her very much.

Reality Bites!!

Being a Pisces is something I have always thought was very cool, by nature we are the dreamers ... the kind, understanding, forgiving, head in the clouds ... artist types. I have always enjoyed that wide streak in my personality, but that blessing has a bit of a curse attached to it. That curse has a name, its called reality. You see, allowing yourself to dream is cool, I would say even necessary. It allows you to find your true potential, but there is a fine line that you must be wary of... if you allow yourself to get caught up in the fantasy, and lose sight of the reality of your situation, then disappointment hits like a ton of bricks.

Sense of urgency

I am constantly wondering how it is that most people seem to muddel through life armed with apathy in one hand and an excuse in the other. Somehow they manage to make it through, and one of the most popular shield-phrases used by this vast majority is "don't take it so seriously" or "give me a break" ... when the reality is that they don't take it seriously enough and give themselves enough of a break to cover half a dozen people ... I am so sad that effort is so difficult for people to muster. The only thing that truly stops a person from accomplishing anything in life is the inability to exert the proper effort.

As usual there is the issue of balance and caution must be used so overcorrection doesn't occur ... and saying  enough and pushing just enough to help those that need and deserve it is a worthy task. Unfortunately, if it is rejected, you are left to retreat and allow them to suffer the enevitable conclusion of their chosen actions.

Characters and their Character ... follow up

    Thinking about my last post, and more questions roll around in my head. Maybe it is just me, but it seems that the saying "nice guys finish last" is true to life. Upon reflecting, I can't help but have a chicken-egg type internal tug of war with the Dr. Perry personality type. What I mean is, did he choose to be that way, or was he transformed into what he is by life itself? I realize using the term "nice guy" doesn't really fit in the Dr. Perry character description, but sometimes life can harden you, even if its not what you wish. Sometimes it is all just too much to put up with, especially while others are content leaving their share for "the next person" (who is equally content leaving it ... and so on and so on) ... So instead of feeling sorry for Hank, I think that people need to take the time to notice Perry. Perry doesn't need anyone to feel sorry for him, he just longs for a hand once in a while and a little bit of respect. People are quick to give that energy away analyzing excuses and feeling pitty for the Hank-types, and then they have nothing left for the Perry-types, nothing but another list of to-dos or favors. Afterall we wouldn't ask Hank because he would just let us down anyhow, but he still rates higher on the attention scale.

Characters and their character

    I had previously vowed to type a "why I hate Hank Moody" blog, I have decided the best way to make my actual point is to make a comparison between Hank Moody (Californication) and Dr. Perry Cox (Scrubs).

    Let me start by giving you a snap-shot view of my basic take of each character on the surface.
   
    Hank is the cool writer guy. He has this edgy vibe that says, I'm cool, and I just don't give a damn what anyone thinks. His relationships (if you can really use that word) are a mess. He is hopelessly in love (if you can really use that word) with his baby-mama Karin, but he can never keep his idiot reflex in check. At least not long enough to string together any real hope of keeping her at his side. As stated he is a mess, yet everyone seems to want to be connected to Hank in some way. Women want him, men want to be like him, young people idolize him, his peers look at him with some wierd admiration as if they wish they could live like him. He has a pretty cool daughter, a great baby-momma, and a bunch of friends that seem to gravitate toward him.

    Dr. Perry Cox is a self proclaimed narcissistic, emotional cripple, that seems to thrive on the suffering of others. He tortures those that admire him, he throws himself out in the open for those who don't like him, and would go to great lengths to take any, and every, shot possible at him (which is a long list of people). He has issues with authority. He has issues with mediocrity. He has issues finding a way to be social. Hell, he has issues with what the majority of us would term "normalcy" in general. He has an ex-wife that he secretly loves and adores, but prefers to trade insults back and forth with instead of sharing his true feelings. He has very few (if any) real friends because he refuses to let his guard down, and his peers, see him as a jerk that they only interact with when they have to. He struggles to have time with his son, his wife is a damaged mess at best, and he couldn't bribe people to hang out with him (he actually tried in one episode and failed).

    Long story short, Hank is admittedly damaged, but he is cool. He is "likeable". Perry on the other hand is also damaged, but not in that "cool way". He is a "jerk".

    So lets have a deeper look shall we ... Hank has left a wake of shattered hopes and dreams in his wake. He jumps from bed to bed no matter who gets hurt. There is a total lack of regard for everyone involved from his ever-patient daughter, to his frustrated baby-momma, to his friends who just want him to be happy and successful. He doesn't even have enough respect for himself to act like anything more than a childish jackass (on a good day). He has a child that loves him, she has begged repeatedly for him to grow up and stop hurting her, and everyone else around him. He has a baby-momma that left a decent man at the alter and has repeatedly turned her life inside out simply because of hope. Hope that he might just take a second to realize how much she cares about him and reciprocate. His friends see him squander opportunity after opportunity that falls into his lap.

    Perry on the other hand can't seem to get out of his own way. He is tirelessly dedicated to his work. He secretly does everything he can think of to make his ex-wife/baby-mama happy. He watches over all his co-workers/understudies (closest thing to friends in his life) when they aren't looking and quietly does everything he can to guide them to success. He does not give them answers to each and every problem, he gives them the tools to figure out the answer on their own. He teaches them without them even realizing they are being taught. He takes bullets for them when they don't even know they have been fired. He listens to them and adjusts when necessary (even though he doesn't allow that to show either). He is man enough to admit when he makes a mistake, and he is wise enough to offer a piece of knowledge at just the right time to help clarify a murkey situation. He works harder that the rest, and takes the harder path and uses the knowledge gained to make the path easier for those that follow.

    To bottom line this these two characters are BOTH a mess. They each have glaring issues, but the key differance in the two comes down to a one thing. Hank is breathing, walking, talking selfishness. In nearly every situation he is faced with he chooses himself first, and then he expects pitty and forgiveness. Perry acts tough and pushes people away, but rarely fails them. He doesn't let anyone down, even though there isn't any kind of reward attached to the outcome. He is so unselfish that he doesn't even know how to put himself first when he should, which is his greatest torment.

    So we have Hank, who would walk on anybody at anytime to get what he wants, and he is "embraced" and "celebrated" for being cool, and edgy, and hip. Then we have Perry who gives more than he should, and goes out of his way to shield others from lifes arrows when necessary, and light a fire under their ass when needed to help them reach their potential. Perry isn't embraced as anything more than a jerk or a jackass. When did the balance shift, and society decide that mocking and thumbing your nose at honesty and effort was a good thing, while embracing laziness and selfish behavior?

    I have two questions ... Why is the default setting to "like" a Hank, and "dislike" a Perry? ... and secondly ... Who would you rather be if you could choose? ... would you be the cool rockstar-like Hank Moody, or would you be the tireless workhorse/teacher Dr. Perry Cox?

    I think the honest answer is that most would by far choose the Hank path, and that makes me sad, because imagine a world full of Hanks and what a mess they would create, and without the Perry-types to clean their messes who would accomplish anything? So they are allowed to ride the coattails of those that do realize their potential and do choose to try and give something back, and they get applauded for it. That my friends is a head-scratcher.

Interesting Development

    You know what it is like to have life keeping you on your heels? Seriously, not in that "yeah, I get what your saying man" crap, seriously every time you turn a corner (or think you have), there is a fantastic surprise lurking just around the bend, waiting to alter life just enough to make you step back and reconsider what led you to where you are. I'll take a second and be blunt, I think that is a bunch of shit. I get annoyed with carrying more of the load, and working harder, only to see the rewards of those efforts simply become anonymity or better yet higher expectations. After all that seems like the accepted practice, find someone who will carry the load {quietly if possible}. Save the attention and accolades for those who require them, why waste credit where it is due ... give it to those that need it and demand it and let those that simply do without asking in return to go without .... enough of this preachy rant, I actually have more important things to ponder ... so lets get to it.

    Let me bounce this off of you, why is it that others are so comfortable with expecting, yet are so uncomfortable with giving? I am not talking about occasional moments, I am talking about everyday "norms" here. Follow me here, I'll take you to the next level. Lets analyze my response to the previously described behavior.

    I have a head full of "sayings/teachings" from my days growing up in rural Indiana farmland. I remember them very fondly these days, and make a strong effort to apply them in my daily life. I certainly wish that I had a better understanding of the impact of these teachings and lessons at a younger age, but back when I was young they were just "words". I have learned, over the years, the precious nature of those words and their enormous value. These words all make such simplistic sense these days. Things like ... "Treat others, as you would like to be treated." ... "If you want something in life, work for it, earn it, and make it yours." ... "Be proud of what you have no matter how little it may seem" ... "Do not boast about your accomplishments, possessions, and knowledge, a truly successful person doesn't need to make others aware of such things." ...  "Excuses are a weakness, they have no positive effect in your life." ... In a nutshell these and many other "words" have provided me with the perspective to set my bar.

    Now, I mentioned analyzing my response to the societal disease of "expect but don't give". Admittedly there have been times in my life, where I have bristled at the notion of "fair", but it didn't take long to figure out that "fair" is nothing but an illusion. Perception, consequence, and many other things factor in, and it is quite frankly, a maddening adventure to even seek out "fair" in life. So armed with my trusty teachings, my response was to actually buckle down and work harder. I do not do this in an effort to make things fair, but to actually simplify life. I quickly found, that working harder, when things aren't going smoothly, actually simplified life. So over time my conditioned response to adversity has become extra effort. This provided a positive enough effect on things when the chips were down, but as with all things in life, anything in excess is bad. Excess effort can turn that positive into a negative, by adding fatigue and frustration to the equation. Balance must be maintained, and that can be tricky at times.

    I believe in who I am, and what I've been shown throughout life. These lessons and teachings have given me the confidence to know, that a me first attitude is a lifelong ticket to misery. I have also come to see that being the mule that carries the load, only to be forever taken for granted, is equally foolish. Again comes the quest for balance, and the need to keep shifting, and changing, and rolling with the punches.

    I'll keep turning the other cheek, and trying to be a better man. I find myself thinking occasionally, it would be nice to actually quit absorbing so many freaking punches along the way.