True Love

I have been consumed by negative thoughts over the last while, as you can tell by my blogs. I have many dark clouds still circling overhead. I was very recently reminded how much that I am loved, and it has made all the difference in the world. I know right now, and forever will know that I have things to be thankful for. I have two AMAZING children that fill my soul with warmth and love. I have an UNBELIEVABLE family, and INCREDIBLE friends that all would tear their right arm off for me. The thing that brings me to this keyboard at this very moment pertains to someone else. I would like to take a moment to talk about my Jilly. Until I met her, I never understood what true love was, or more importantly that it even existed. I have only known her a short time, by earthly standards, but believe me when I tell you, our souls have been connected for an eternity. Words will never accurately describe what she means to me. As i mentioned earlier, there are a lot of dark clouds lurking, and they have been for some time now. I am moving in a positive direction, and I see those clouds clearing day by day. Despite the fact that my emotions whirl, and my brain questions, she continually provides me with love and understanding. Neither of us are, or desire to be, perfect by any stretch of the imagination. She, quite simply put, is the other half of my soul. I have never known what it was like to have this type of security and confidence in my life. I am still trying to adjust to it quite frankly. I have always been, and will continue to be a "giver". It is just part of my personality, I am a fish after all. I guess that it stands to reason that givers tend to attract "takers", and when you attempt to build a life with a taker, and you are strong and stubborn, and give, and give, and give ... quite frankly after awhile you begin to think that may quite simply be your destiny. I am VERY happy to report that that is definitely not the case. This wonderful woman, who came out of nowhere, (with a little help from SRYS) has given me the greatest gift that I could ever imagine....

Her LOVE, true love, and I will forever be a stronger, and better man because of it.

Roller Coaster

So I am gonna stop and smell the coffee. I am gonna slow down and listen to the wind and the rain and absorb its peace and serenity. I gotta sit here and chuckle to myself, cause I picked a moment to stop and listen and ..... there is nothing, a pin drop could be heard at this moment. I am at the realization that my brain so often puts the cart before the horse. Quite frankly I do not see the point for you to even continue reading this blog. Just as the title implies, I am but a roller coaster of thoughts and emotion at present, and that is not who or what I truly am or wish to be. So my friends (lmfao all two of you that follow this) it is time to take this crap underground and figure out just what the hell it is I need and want to say before I continue dropping it here for the world to see ......

-- to be continued --

Smell The Coffee

It is time for a different sort of blog ... A blog that isn't dealing with my confusion, or my doubts, or fears. This blog is a simple statement of where I intend for my mind to dwell. I have noticed recently that I do not take near enough time to stop and smell the coffee, enjoy those simple moments. I have done a bit of that today, and intend to make a concious effort to do more. I do not tell the people that I care about how much that they mean to me nearly enough. I do not stop and listen to their laughter, or count their smiles. I intend to do a better job at those things. I generally speak of turmoil, pain, and confusion; because my life has had more than its fair share of those things in the last couple years (or so). To put it mildly though, I have had enough of the fear and doubt that it has brought into my life. I have learned lessons through these tough times, lessons that I will never forget, but it is time for me to get back to the person that I am at my core. I am the person that can get a kick out of watching/ listening to Mitchell and Emilee carry on a conversation. I smile inside when the twins sit in awe as I build a fire to warm them. There is nothing like listening to Jill from the other room as she is rolling with laughter over "cakewrecks" ... I do indeed have so very much to be thankful for, and intend to do a better job slowing down and taking the time to appreciate it.

I was correct ....

The tell is valid ...

Further Processed

My last entry delt with the realization that I speak WAY too much. I basically seem to have an inability to NOT share my "opinion" on virtually any and every subject. Those of you that really know me are sitting there nodding your heads.

Here is the million dollar question, due to the excessive amount of words that I utter, at what point does it simply serve as an annoyance to others. I think I have a bit of a bead on that. most people, especially the ones that I choose to spend the majority of my time around, are very poilte towards me. Especially the last 6-8 months due to my life basically being a tad complicated. So that being the case, I feel that they give me a large amount of space when it comes to listening to me ramble. Which brings me to a point of trying to figure out how to guage when my "thoughts/ words" are annoying them. I think I have found a bit of a "tell". I am beginning to notice that despite my frequent (almost constant) handing out of thoughts and advice, that very few (if any) people seems to bother paying attention to any of it. It is kind of a "let him talk, and then go on about your business" approach that people have developed with me. If that "tell" is in fact an indicator that my words are like those of the teacher from Charlie Brown (wah wah wha wha wah) then holy crap I annoy alot of people.

This greatly concerns me .... and NO, not from the; damn it, they didn't listen to me standpoint ... but more from the standpoint that I seem to have placed myself in the "invalid" spectrum of peoples brains. Which for 99% of the public that doesn't really bother me much, but for those that matter to me, that is not where I want, or need to be. My excessive rambling truly comes from my heart, and the fact that I care about people with all that I am ... It seems that I have over steered however, to a point where people generally smile, nod, and tune me out.

Second Of Clarity

OK, it has just dawned on me. I talk too much. I think out loud. I give too much information without regard to whether or not that information is welcome or necessary. That is the hazard of thinking aloud.

Unfortunately, that is part of who I am. Someone recently pointed out that I wear my heart on my sleeve. That is unintentional, but again it is who I am. One would think that would be a mind freeing way to go about life, but I find it to be cumbersome. (yes, I just wanted to say cumbersome) The problem for me is, that I get that instant release of thoughts, only to revisit those thoughts and the statements that they prompt, in my head after the fact .... and what is the saying about hindsight.... yea that's the one

I really gotta learn to process first and speak later......

But damn am I good at the speaking part

Situational Awareness

I am confused about people. I am beginning to realize that my confusion is in large part self-created. I have a bad habit of understanding things from "my point of view". I have been beginning to see however that other people look at things from their own perspective and at times that can be radically different and it can cause friction. Let me get Biblical for a moment because this is a golden rule that I believe deeply in. Treat others as you would like to be treated (put simply in my own words), sounds like a worthy rule to live by right? This morning I find myself pondering that rule however, is it really wise to treat others as we want to be treated ourselves? What about treating others as "they" want to be treated. Again I will point out that others often look at things from their point of view, so when we are saying or doing things that "we ourselves" find acceptable, that is definitely no guarantee that someone else will feel the same way. Obviously you cant go around trying to please everyone, and I personally have no desire to. I am talking about my "people" that small circle that I value beyond myself. Those that I would do anything for. Those that are loved and admired unconditionally. Is it not fair, to say that the responsibility lies with me to understand what they need and treat them as they desire to be treated? I find myself too often times to be the one in the room that doesn't quite see it the same way as everyone else, and it seems that that may be a clue that my perspective may be flawed. It is my perspective however, and it comes directly from my personality and the elements that make me who I am, so it would be unrealistic to expect it to change radically. There seems to definitely be room for a shift in my awareness, better effort to stop and realize what people are affected, and how they may or may not feel ... ... After all I find that we as people frequently fail to meet our own standards (if we have placed the bar highly enough) ... and I am not sure that my bar has been where it has belonged ...

What A Day....

My confusion as of late has really began to take hold. I feel it beginning to set roots, and that I cannot allow. I am in need of clarity ... touched on this a bit with my last post .... the need for simplification. Getting to the core of things and dealing with them at their most basic form. Today provided some clarity, there were soem long e-mails exchanged between the most wonderful woman I have ever know and myself, and they provided me with a bit of clarity. I still haven't sorted things out, but I feel like I am getting closer to the root of things. At this point I just find myself to be tired. Confusion completely wipes me out, it actually physically drains me. I now am in need of a recharge. Relaxation is in order, there are good things on my horizon, I can feel that and I can tell that it isn't far off. Once I finally regain my stride there will be no stopping me until I reach my goals.

Interesting Question

Ok, my mind has been racing lately, lots of information and questions bouncing around. Today I decided I need to simplify. I want to try and get to the core and slow things down a bit. A simple question popped right into my head … “what defines us” … I walked around a while bouncing that thought around in my head, when I encountered a good friend in passing and I threw it out at him. Without hesitation he said “what we do”. Well those of you that know me know that isn’t gonna cut it for me … so being the pest that I occasionally am I asked “what we do today, yesterday, or a combination of both”? Now I asked that question expecting him to pause, reflect, and stumble to some type of conclusion, but instead he floored me with a beauty of a thought. He said it is “what we do when we know no one else is looking”. I found that to be an EXCELLENT statement. After all does that not sum it up nicely? So now I ask this …. What would you do if you knew no one was looking, if you knew that no matter what action you took you only had to answer to yourself and no one else? Interesting thing to ponder isn’t it?

The Maiden Voyage

So today marks a new day, the first of many entry's to the Bag Of Hammers. I am not a wordsmith, I just enjoy recording my thoughts for analysis and review. I do however try to be true to my thoughts and make every effort to choose my words wisely. Notice I said "make every effort" the results of those efforts seem to vary. I often wish that I was not limited in my ability to express my feelings in text form, but I am hoping that with some practice that those restrictions will lessen. There is a 100% probability that without effort there is no chance for success, so here we go.