Realization ....

Have you ever known what it feels like to look at someone, and have your heart skip a beat?

Have you ever known what it is like when you hear a song, and are instantly compelled to call her, or send a text, because you know you need to tell her how much you love her?

Have you ever been overwhelmed with the need to hold another person, as they lay next to you in bed, and soundly sleep?

Have you ever rushed home just to hold her, and held her .... only to find, that before you even released your grasp, you wanted to hold her more? ......

You would think at 34 years old, after being married and living a pretty full life thusfar I would have experienced many, if not all of these things ... but they were all foreign to me

I NOW know these things, these thoughts and feelings, and my life is richer for it ...

Scars ...

Papa Roach sings a song that I really like ... its called Scars ... Unfortunately it has become a bit of a mantra for me. I will include the lyrics for those of you that are unfamiliar ...

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed 'cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
Your making me insane
All I can say is

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much and
Our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advise
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That your drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion's in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much and
Our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause your drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
[But you didn't understand]
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much and
Our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much and
Our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

this song illustrates the lesson that my first long-term relationship/marriage taught me very vividly and painfully ... It is almost aas if it were written by me at the tail end of that mess ... the problem is that there are characteristics, or side-effects of living through such a thing that I struggle with. I now know what it is like to NOT be oblivious ..... I now know what it is like to have REASON to not trust someone that you "should" trust ... Most of all I now realize that I care too much ...

Problem is, I don't want to care less ...

Worn Shoe ...

Lately I feel like an old beat up smelly worn out shoe. I gave lots of miles, and carried those that have depended on me far, but now I have very little left. My wear is visible. My flaws are many. Is there really any value left in me, or am I reduced to a tattered shell that can only reflect on what I once was.

Reflecting ...

I have been thinking quite a bit this week about various things, for various reasons. Lots of work things, and financial things, and other grown-up non-fun stuff. It occurred to me at several points however that I needed to be mindful of some of the motivating factors that make that grown-up side of life tolerable.

One of the first things that pops into mind is my littles. Mitchell and Emilee provide warmth and smiles without even making an effort. They can transform an otherwise grey-day into a bright and fun adventure, just by being their little selves. I get lost in their smiles at times and am filled with pride just looking at them and knowing that I have the honor of being their father.

Another one of my initial thoughts veers to the twins. Emma and Alex are still fairly new to my life, but it seems aas though they have always been there. Months have melted and already seem like years. They are at a different stage than the littles in their development and bring a different dynamic to my life. Watching them grow and learn to be young adults is truly a pleasure I wouldn't trade for the world.

All four of those little rascalls make me pause as I reflect ... from Emilee's attempts to bribe me with kisses and hugs to Emma's way of looking at me when she knows I am pulling her leg ... from Alex's kamikazi style when we are "swatting the ball around" at the racquetball court to Mitchell's obsession with all things Wii ... I know at the end of the day they are 4 very special little beings that will hopefully gain some measure of good from the time I get to spend with them ... it truly is one of the greatest opportunities I have ever been given to help guide them as they all grow (much too quickly)

That brings me to my Jilly ... My person, the one I was meant to spend my life with, the keeper of my heart, the one who completes me .... I could go on and on attempting to explain how much I love her, how much she means to me ... my love knows no bounds ... something dawned on me this past week, something I don't know that I have considered until now. I was describing to someone how much she means to me, how I just kind of "know" she's the one and a thought dropped into my head after the fact ... I think one of the things that actually makes me so certain about her and so secure in my choice to give my life to her is .... fear

Fear!?!? I know sounds strange doesn't it ... but its not like that, not the type of fear that you are thinking, pay attention reader ... its not fear of being alone, its not fear of any of those silly insecurity driven relationship type things .... its the knowledge that for the first time in my life I am afraid of not having HER in my life ... I have never NEEDED someone else in my life before, and I know with her that I don't want to be anywhere else, or with anyone else ... just her, my life belongs with her ... destiny chose her for me, and I know its where I belong ... The fact that I care so deeply for her, that being without her scares me, actually comforts me that she is, and will always be, the one for me.

I cannot conclude this blog without mentioning another aspect of my life that helps power me through the "tight spots" in life and adds extra smiles even on the best of days ... that is my friends, I got some of the best that there are ... they are all unique and have their little quirks, but they are my people ... don't mess with em, or you will see me get cross in a hurry ... one of the best of the best of them (actually a couple of them) are dealing with some tough stuff the last few days and I want them to have all the positive energy I can throw their way ... i am thinkin about you SRYS and your people, and my heart aches for your loss today <3

Conflicted and Confused ...

Ever been right AND wrong at the same time? Ahhh, I got you, thats kind of a trick question, because afterall, who gets to decide what is right and what is wrong. Seriously though we each choose what we feel to be right, thats just the way it has to be. There is no true peace without that ability. Without the ability to choose and to believe we are hollow.

Let me get to the core here. My life has fairly frequently showed me that often times the is a rift between what we "want" and what is "attainable".

Now the trick is figuring out when what is attainable fits. Sometimes what is attainable fills you up and makes your circle complete, it doesn't necessarily need to be exactly the way you "want" it to be.

Other times what is attainable, is just something that gets you close to where you want to be, but it won't allow you to quite complete that circle. I believe we encounter that frequently in life, and then human nature kicks in, and we struggle and pull and try to "change" it into that thing that will get us where we want to be. This is foolish and ends up causing heartache and pain. Regret closely follows, as we sit and question "how the hell did I get here" ... we got there by ignoring the facts ... we got there by not being honest with ourselves and examining our needs and being true to our personality ...

Off Days ...

Ok, so here's the deal ... I was reminded today that sometimes things that are very small in the grand scope of things can have a large effect on your mood at times. I do not understand that fully, it seems to defy logic, but it is how it is. Annoyance is very difficult for me to deal with as an individual. I have faced some big dissapointment in life, I know anger, I feel fear, and sadness has crept in without warning on more than one occasion ... and I think I handle all of those things pretty well, rarely does it seem to break my stride ... I just "deal with it" and carry on, it is life afterall, and there are more important things than the negative to focus on. That is probably what frustrates me about Annoyances, I find them to be particularly troubling because often time they are too "small" to warrant any real action, but just "big" enough to cause discomfort .... This, I do not like, it causes me to spin and begin to wrestle with my own thought process. Afterall, if something is disturbing it seems to go against the grain to leave it be and not do ANYTHING about it ... Yet jumping on every single issue and trying to clean every little detail in life up, is just silly and maddening. There is not enough energy in the day to handle that, that energy should be conserved for the big things that really matter ..... Annoyance annoys me

P.S. I Love You ...

Interestingly enough, tonight after returning the children to "the demon", I arrived home and did a few things, and then as it was time to settle in, she says "put in P.S. I Love You" ... Here's the thing, my LEAST favorite movies are "chick flicks", but I gotta say it is one of my all time favorite movies. If you have not watched it ... go get it, and watch it. It is the type of movie that, if you stop, watch, listen, and think ... it has the potential to help you see things that are otherwise missed. It has the potential to change your life ... I believe in ART, I believe that the purpose of art in this world, is to help us see, help us grow as people. There is music that will do that, there are movies that will do that, there are millions of photos and paintings that will do it .... but here is the wrinkle, none of it will do a damn thing for you if you don't take the time to notice, or appreciate it .... I urge you to stop, take the time, and "notice"