Cant Say This Enough ...

My mind has been consumed with a thought today. I have been trying to get a bead on this and simplify it a bit prior to blogging about it, but it is rich with complexity and beautiful because of it. If I had to state it simply its that "true love has come into my life and shown me the limitless possibilities that exist when another person fills you with the desire to be more than you are". My Jilly came into my life during the darkest days I have ever known. She found me broken and battered, really just a shell of a man. Somehow she saw more in me, I am still trying to figure out what drew her to me. I knew very quickly after we met that there was not another person on the planet that meshed with me the way she does.

I have written about this in the past, but just in case you missed the previous installments .... The recap is; She taught me that the "Disney Fairytail Romance" does exist ... Not because she told me it existed, not because she even seemed to believe it existed herself, she taught me by simply being the wonderful perfectly imperfect person that she is ... I was of the mindset, prior to my union with this wonderful woman, that "love" was simply two people that shared an attraction and didnt annoy each other to an intolerable point. I had that "relationships are work" mindset, and dont get me wrong, relationships DO require work.

Being with the right person makes that work something that you "want" to do. Instead of being something you do because you fell you "have" to. When I wake up in the morning and I look at that gorgeous woman laying next to me, and I get excited about the chance to share another day with her. The minutes that I spend apart from her are marked by my constant thoughts of her and longing to be back in her presence. I love her with all my heart, and that love was not something that I had to "choose to give her". My heart lept from my chest and became hers without even giving me the chance to question or second guess .... While that may sound reckless to some, rest assured my friends I have NO DOUBT that my heart has always belonged to her, I just needed some time to find her and return it to her.

I hope all my friends have found, or will find, a love like this one some day ... it is what we all deserve, but I urge you that haven't to be patient .... it truly is worth waiting for ... don't settle and sell yourself short .......... I had a phrase form in my head recently, and I posted it as my facebook staus, its worth repeating .... "Live as if your future will be determined by your choices, and love like tomorrow may not come"

The Problems of Others

Lately, I can help but notice that many people that I value a great deal have been going through struggles. As a good friend pointed out just the other day there are 3 of us (we were inseparable during high school and college) that are all going through divorce at the SAME time. Many other friends and family members are going through financial, or relationship problems, or BOTH. This makes my heart heavy. I would do anything to help those that I care for, to navigate rough waters. I have reminded myself recently however that it is the responsibility of the person in the mess to CHOOSE how best to navigate out of that mess. It can be a bit frustrating to watch someone you care about struggle, especially when they seem to MISS things that are evident from the outside looking in. As difficult as it may be to witness those struggles, it is necessary for all of us to work our way through these struggles on our own. Our role as people looking in from the outside is a "supporting cast" type role for a reason. If we made the choices in their stead, then what would they learn and take from the event? Struggles are meant to teach us and help us grow ... I firmly believe that and must remind myself, especially lately, with so many that mean so much to me faced with tough choices. I have decided that I need to step back a bit, my life is about to go through a period of change. I hope and pray that the key pieces that have been removed and damaged, via the rage and blind hatred of a mentally unstable individual, are put back where they belong, and normalcy can return. So my focus is on what is rapidly approaching, and the results that should come from all the patience and focus that it has taken to get here.

The Home Stretch....

For any that are reading this and do not already know, my life over the last couple years or so, especially the last 8ish months, has been filled with turmoil. I have had some extremely positive things occur during this last year, but it has had more than its fair share of darkness. I am finally beginning to feel like I am in the home stretch.

It is a strange feeling, it feels as though I am waking up from a bit of a trance. I will not go into detail as I could write for weeks on the challenges and injustices that I have faced over these last 8 months ... so lets just say there has been a LOT of things that have happened, that were flat out WRONG, and it has taken a great deal of patience to wait for resolution.

I mention this, only to explain where I believe the trance that I spoke of began. I think my brain simply began to go a little numb when faced with these unreasonable and unjust events. Afterall there was nothing rational that could be done to counter the irrationality I was faced with at the time. So the brain simply went into a self-preservation type mode. I look forward to finally pulling myself out of the muck of uncertainty, and finally getting to make choices based on what is known. It will be 2 weeks until that day of reckoning comes, but I look forward to it, and smell freedom in the air. I am energized with hope, and the idea that no matter the final outcome, the "wondering" will definately be OVER.

Learn As You Go ....

I am beginning to realize that life is quite frankly a constant OJT (On-the Job- Training) session. I have been given just enough intelligence (and not an ounce more) to know what to truly worry about. I over process and I over analyze. Truth is that I wouldn't have it any other way ... don't get me wrong stress and worry are not my idea of a good time. Think for a second of the alternative, honestly if we don't have the vision to see the things that we find to be unpleasant, how can we expect to know true beauty and feel real warmth. What are roses without thorns???? I guess a more fitting question is would the rose even "exist" without the thorn .... I personally do not believe so.

I am certain of very few things in life. One of those certainties is that life has some indescribably precious and spiritual moments to offer if you have the patience and vision to see them. Another certainty is that life can knock the stuffing out of you without a seconds notice. Life owes us NOTHING, it is our responsibility to sift through what is out there. I believe in fate my friends, I believe that there is a plan for us all, weather we choose to acknowledge it or not. I also believe that 75% of our "problems" in life are self created ... and the other 25% are there for a reason to help us grow and learn to be better, stronger people. It is how we CHOOSE to respond to adversity that defines us.

One of my favorite stories pops to mind ... it is about the young woman that has been beaten down by life ... she has nothing left in the tank ... she is at the end of her rope .... her mother comes to visit ... and after listening to the girl tell of her struggles, her mother leads her to the kitchen ... the mother puts 3 pots of water on the stove to boil ... she begins to explain to her daughter that there are 3 basic types of people in the world ... ... in the first pot she places some carrots as the water begins to boil ... in the second she places a few eggs ... and in the third pot she dumps a scoop of coffee grounds ... ... then she turns to her daughter and asks her to check the first pot ... "what do you see" she asks, the daughter replies "carrots" ... her mother says look closer, they are carrots but look what the boiling water has done to them they are soft and flimsy "weak" because of what they have been subjected to ..... now look at the second pot, the eggs have "hardened" .... but lets look at the third pot she says with a smile, the coffee has blended with the boiling water and actually has a wonderful aroma and flavor ... it has actually "improved" when subjected to the same environment that the carrots and eggs were placed in .... moral of the story is, that when life turns up the heat on you, when the water around you is boiling and you feel pressure, how will you respond ... will you "weaken", will you "harden", or will you "improve" because you have accepted that your environment does not define you? It is much more important to be mindful of how you reacted, than what you have been through.

I hope you all are coffee my friends ...... life really is a beautiful thing, when we take the time to look........

Words to live by ....

As of late, I have been a bit consumed with the reality, that there is a lack of regard for decency and respect. Today's society in large part is made up of people who for a variety of reasons are very selfish at the core, they have seemingly lost the ability to be selfless. That being the case, I have been troubled, and I have pndered and analyzed .... but I had a moment this evening to stop and brows through a few old quotes that reminded me of the ideas that I hold dear, the very notions that I wish would spread like wildfire in these days. I will share a few, these below are from Charles Swindoll ... beginning with my favorite of all ....

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

“I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for that handful of friends who have given me a heart full of joy. Let's face it, friends make life a lot more fun.”

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.”

“A family is a place where principles are hammered and honed on the anvil of everyday living.”

“We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.”

I know it can be a bit "cheap" to use the words of others to make your point, but i have to say that I was glad to be able to read through those words today ... it helps me re-set my mechanism, so it is my honor to share them with you, do with them what you will...

What defines us???

Last night was one of those marathon talking sessions that I frequently subject Jilly to. First of all let me say, that I appreciate the fact that she is able to tolerate my constant speaking, when I get in these modes. Secondly, for the benefit of any that read this that don't know me that well, it is worth pointing out, that I know that I talk WAY to much, and my opinion generally doesn't waiver. It is as though I get "wound up" and the flood gates open, and out comes Josh's thoughts. That in itself seems fairly normal, but the thing is, that I have a hard time just "throwing something out there" for someone to think about. I tend to have this way of talking a point to death. This gets amplified, of course, when someone throws out a differing point of view, or offers a "reason" that something is the way it is. I just cant help but offer my opinion ...

Here is the curve ball. I am aware of the things in the paragraph above, but I still struggle with moderating my thoughts. I spend ALOT of time thinking, maybe too much (but is that seriously possible, or merely something someone once said who was too apathetic to give the effort {different blog}) and out of that thinking (especially the last few years) I have taken the time to learn ALOT about myself. I have also began to take the time to observe, and listen and learn alot about others around me. I am after all an "attention to detail" kind of guy. I take great pride in this. One obviously has to be careful to balance, and not be judgmental, or overly critical; but all to often, I think the majority of people error in the other direction, they basically gloss over the detail ... sometimes simply ignore it all together. I did for many years of my life. I have always had a decent "radar" when it came to people. I have generally speaking been given a gift, when it came to knowing what to generally expect, from people of differing personality types. I chose to basically ignore that for most of my young adult life.

I made Jilly suffer through "Maverick" recently, which as corny as it may be is one of my favorite movies. Maverick goes through the movie trying to explain to his fellow card sharks, that "everyone has tells" ... tells that show what they are thinking. A lot of people may think he is simply referring to if they have good cards or not ... but it is much deeper than that, if you truly look, the tell shows much more than that. It gives you a glimpse of what that person is actually thinking. What emotion are they overcome with at that moment ... are they "excited", "happy", "anxious", "frustrated", "distraught" ... once you identify the emotion, and you pair it with the event, you get a decent idea what is going on in that persons brain ... that is their actual tell ..... that is the moment when you get a quick glimpse of which way that person is leaning.

All that being said, I guess my point is, that I like being an attention to detail guy. I also firmly believe, that life would be a bit less complicated, if more people took the time to stop and pay attention. So as much as I annoy myself, (and I am sure others) with my analysis, I cant see stopping. I don't think I have it in me, to stop paying attention to the details.

Lets talk technician

I have had blog thoughts floating around in my head for the last few days. I have chosen to go with a getting to know me theme. Part 1 of this theme will address an area of my life that I rarely take the time to stop and analyze. I would like to dissect my worker side a bit today. Those of you that know me, probably are aware of the fact that I like to joke about how "little" I do. I am usually good for a, "how dare they call me to go fix something", if I am on the phone, or sending a message to a friend when duty calls. Today I will clear the air (because my sarcasm and jokes are at times masked quite well). Even though I joke, I actually work very hard and care a great deal about the work that I do. It is an extension of who I am and what I believe in, I do not know how to fully seperate who I am from what I do, and don't think I would want to if I could.

So let me tell you a little about what I actually do. I am an Electronics Technician at a hardwood lumber manufacturer. Sounds fascinating doesn't it (there's that famous sarcasm) .... actually it is quite interesting and challenging. This job has taken me to other countries for training purposes. This job has shown me that there really is nothing that I cannot accomplish. I continually find myself performing a very wide variety of tasks. There are times that I am inside a machine with 4' pipe wrenches and hammers. Other times, I am standing there with a laptop in hand adjusting the timing on a million plus dollar piece of equipment. I do office computer troubleshooting and repair, I do networking, I test and give recommendations on new software, I help identify improvements that need to be written into new programs so they are functional here. On the machinery side of things I wire up and test new equipment, I repair existing equipment (mechanically and electrically), I identify and modify equipment to make it run more efficiently, I make changes to ensure the equipment runs smoothly and lasts as long as it can without repair. I basically do anything and everything that is asked of me to help this company keep moving forward, if that involved me sweeping a floor, I'd do it.

So know that I have drug you through that lengthy description (I could spend days going into detail) of what I basically do, let me get to the point. I love my job. There I said it. I actually genuinely enjoy what I do and more so that I am good at what I do. I get frustrated, as I believe everyone does, there are people that don't pull there weight, there are people doing foolish things that cause me hours of work to "clean up". When you get right down to it though, I know at the end of the day, that I give my best, and I walk away with pride in that. I am also lucky enough to be respected by my co-workers, I know that if they need something that I will generally be the first one they call, and that is a great feeling.

What do you know .... duty calls ... more later