Riddle me this ... ahh the days of reflection, the days of wondering, questioning, analyzing. I have always been proud of the fact that I pause. I pause to think, before I speak, before I act, before I react. Ahhh but life is nothing, if not a balancing act. It seems that paying too much attention is not productive, yet it is quite obvious, in the behavior of others, that not bothering to pay attention is definitely no better. So the key lies in the balance, without a doubt, and it requires constant effort. One just has to be careful not to be consumed by those efforts. Pay attention to the detail, just don't put too fine a point on it. Some days it is effortless, just falls into place ... other days, not exactly, takes a bit more work, and is definitely more exhausting. Such it is, I still wouldn't trade the responsibility of awareness for the simplicity of ignorance.

I'll leave you with the lyrics from one of my favorites performed by one of the great Alternative Rock Bands.

Alice In Chains : Down in a hole

Bury me softly in this womb
I give this part of me for you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers
In a tomb...in bloom


Down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved
See my heart I decorate it like a grave
You don't understand who they
Thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who wont let himself be


Down in a hole, feelin so small
Down in a hole, losin my soul
Id like to fly,
But my wings have been so denied


Down in a hole and they've put all
The stones in their place
Ive eaten the sun so my tongue
Has been burned of the taste
I have been guilty
Of kicking myself in the teeth
I will speak no more
Of my feelings beneath


Down in a hole, feelin so small
Down in a hole, losin my soul
Id like to fly but my
Wings have been so denied


Bury me softly in this womb
Oh I want to be inside of you
I give this part of me for you
Oh I want to be inside of you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers (oh I want to be inside of you)
In a tomb...in bloom


Oh I want to be inside...


Down in a hole, feelin so small
Down in a hole, losin my soul
Down in a hole, feelin so small
Down in a hole, outta control


Id like to fly but my
Wings have been so denied

Rest In Peace ... Layne Staley

Behind Blue Eyes ...

The Who (a band I am not really overly fond of) wrote a song many years before I was born with the title Behind Blue Eyes. I recently found a remade version by Limp Bizkit (who I am not really a big fan of either) ... that was, in my opinion, a great cover. Funny how that works, 2 bands I could do without .... great tune, oh well, thats how it goes sometimes.

Enough about who wrote it, sang it, remade it, or any of that nonsense ... It is a song that drills into my soul. It touches a part of me deep down. Of course music (or any other type of art) has different meanings for each of us. So obviously its really all about interpretation, but what the hell, how about a few of my observations.

For me this song speaks to the evils of even the purest of intentions. It also stands to remind me that the majority of people shuttle through life completely unaware of the affect that their thoughts, choices, and words have on others. Throughout the song it points to the isolation that is created by actually being aware of what lies beneath the surface.

It is quite simply brilliant.

Learning to be ...

I have been gone for a while .... gone from my blog ... gone from my processing point. I find however that the thoughts remain. Those thoughts just don't manage to get sorted, and processed, effectively. I will compare it to waiting too long to balance the checkbook. Everything is there, just takes a while to sort through it all, when its left to pile up.

Lets get started shall we ... I have been processing what my idea of being a person is .... is that a general enough statement? I'll clarify, being a parent, being a partner, being a family member, being a friend, being a coworker, being an individual ... these are all slightly different roles that are lumped into one human being. On some days they are hard to juggle.

I just re-read that list of "roles" a couple times, and took note of the order that I subconsciously chose to type them in.

I considered reversing the order of parent/ partner briefly, but it honestly doesn't matter which is first, they are a tie in my value scale. After those two items, that is basically the priority level that things get broken into for me.

Being a parent is something that I am extremely proud of. I can not imagine life without the opportunity to teach, and guide, these precious young minds. Their thirst for knowledge rejuvenates me. Their insistence on knowing the answer, and stubbornness when it comes to their understanding of right and wrong, impresses me. They are a blessing to watch grow and mature.

Being a partner is something that I work on everyday. I view myself as a "companionship" personality type. I never doubted, even at a young age, that I wanted to have a companion to share life with. I sifted through various changes of scenery growing up ... I literally witnessed both extremes on the companionship scale, while growing up. Examples that ranged from life-long partners logging in 50-60 (and counting) years together, to people rolling in and out of the door at a whim, as if one table, or face, was no different than the next. Strangely there was never any confusion on my part. I simply pitied those that didn't find regularity or stability, and admired more and more each day, those that found that comfort in the simple pleasures of life, and relief, from that common companionship. No one is perfect by the furthest stretch of the imagination, so I am not saying that I ever expected only peace and harmony, from a strong partnership. As a matter of fact I made some terrible mistakes as I began to attempt to "settle down". I was foolish, and arrogant, in my attitude regarding my "understanding" of relationships. I, more simply put, thought I knew what it took to "make it work". I thought I had a grip on which identifiers, and more importantly, which "red flags" were important when choosing that person to walk through life with. I could not have been much more wrong, as it turns out. Life has tought me some very painful lessons pertaining to my early choices. I work each day to better myself, based on what I have been shown. I also have been granted the clarity to see through the darkness, and find a true partner. My jilly is (to use her term) "my person" ... someone that I have dedicated my life to, and will work each day for the rest of my life, to honor and cherish.

Being a family member is very simple to summarize for me. I have always had an undeniable pride in who I am, and where I come from. I have a fierce loyalty to my family members. Even those that I do not agree with or cannot seem to figure out, have a link that cannot be broken. There are differing degrees of connection, but at the end of the day there is an unbreakable, undeniable connection that simply exists, no matter the climate.

Being a friend is very similar to the family bond for me, yet it has a bit of a fragile nature to it, that the family bond isn't subject to. In exchange for that frailty there is a side effect ... those that I call friend and that choose to call me friend complete a special bond. It is a bond that requires maintenance occasionally and respect at all times, but when it is looked after properly, it is intense. Once it blossoms it strips all boundaries, and has the ability to bring calm during even the worst of storms.

Being a coworker, seems like a trivial thing, but I do take stock of it occasionally. I feel that the "team" mentality is necessary for success in life. The workplace is the most evident example of this. What can any one hope to accomplish without the help and cooperation of the other team members? Sure many leaders and "strong" personality types can find some measure of success while lugging most of the burden alone ... but a strong team will ALWAYS succeed, no matter the weakness of an individual member. I choose to be conscious of this, because no matter what distance I can cover alone, I am certain I can go even further with a good supporting cast.

Being an individual .... that is a tough one really. I spend a lot of time dissecting my personal behavior. I tend to find that if I am paying attention to the other paragraphs above it generally takes care of my personal needs and balances my soul. I still can't help but take stock periodically and reflect on what it truly means .... to be.

Wind of Change

Music speaks to my soul. So often I find that the music that spins round and round in my head, is tied directly to the what is going on in my life. A more accurate statement may be that it reflects my attitude about the events I am watching unfold from day to day.

Awhile back I posted a blog siting Outshined (Soundgarden) ... there has been one that made referance to Scars (Papa Roach) ... there have been many other songs that have dominated the last several years of my life and in large part they have delt with pain and loss and general confusion ... basically they have delt with struggle.

I have been reflecting lately. So much has changed in my life over the last year or so. There has been a resurection of my hopes and dreams. In many ways I am so much happier than I ever imagined possible. The biggest struggle as of late is stopping myself from "worrying that this is all some dream". I am slowly learning to stop worrying about the other shoe dropping, and embrace the day.

I have the most gorgeous, incredible, amazing wife in the world. I have the most amazing children (4 to be exact) to watch grow and learn and become young adults. I find myself for the first time in a very long time firmly excited about life and what it has to offer.

I have some new songs floating around in my head and dominating my thoughts these days. Below is one that has been firmly planted in my head for about 2 weeks now by Kris Allen. The song is titled ... Live Like We're Dying ... and shouldn't we all do a little more of that? Afterall ... Life is not about the minutes you were given, its about what you did with those minutes ... at the end of the day.


Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up
We're hiding behind skin that's too tough
How come we don't say I love you enough
Till it's to late, it's not too late

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come
And we could make a feast from these crumbs
And we're all staring down the barrel of a gun
So if your life flashed before you,
What would you wish you would've done

CHORUS:
Yeah, we gotta start
Looking at the hands of the time we've been given
If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking
If every second counts on a clock that's ticking
Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying


And if your plane fell out of the skies
Who would you call with your last goodbye
Should be so careful who we live out our lives
So when we long for absolution,
There'll no one on the line, yeah


CHORUS (X2)


You never know a good thing till it's gone
You never see a crash till it's head on
Why do we think we're right when we're dead wrong
You never know a good thing till it's gone

CHORUS (x2)

Married

I got married. I keep saying it because quite frankly I don't know if it has settled in yet or what. Fact is I LOVE and ADORE my wife. Long before I married her I knew she was my future, so in a way the marriage itself was a matter of destiny. I must admit though, it has a wonderful ring to it. Using the words "my wife", fill me with pride, knowing I have the honor of referring to her in that manner. She is the most incredible woman I have ever known, and I find myself in awe of her strength, beauty, and kindness on a daily basis.

Almost Wedding Time

The wedding is drawing near, I am excited. I look forward to celebrating with our family and friends. I have truly enjoyed helping (what little bit I have) to plan this event. I am so blessed to have met Jill, she is the most amazing woman I have ever known. I look forward to each and every day that I share with her. She has transformed my life in so many ways, just by simply being who she is. I am far from perfect, and so is she, but she is perfect FOR ME. That is the best way I know to summarize how I feel about her. The first word that always pops to mind is perfect. I honestly think that ours is a perfect love, two people with flaws, that when combined become so much more than they could hope to be, standing alone. I love her with all my heart, and will forever and beyond. I cannot wait until the wedding and that moment when she officially becomes my wife.

Simple Complexity

I must admit that I am guilty of over-thinking. I am am frequently reminded when debating a topic that I have an odd perspective on most things. I find that while I can generally understand how others view things, I consistently catch myself coming from a different angle.

This can be very tiring indeed. Mentally it is taxing at times, to be trying to explain your point of view, and also have people seemingly compelled to explain their views as though you are incapeable of understanding.

Now I realize that it is a fine line that I am describing whereby simply expressing a different opinion generally prompts people to explain. This is compounded by having strong feelings and speaking with passion.

I had the pleasure of sharing company with a wise man last night that will be marrying Jilly and I. He is the type of guy that has a million wise words/thoughts to ponder, if you take the time to catch the bits he throws out.

One thing I noticed on a couple occasions during our conversation with him was that he made mention of "proper communication" and "good listening skills" and he seemed to stress the importance of talking to people not talking AT people. I believe he chose to use the term "trumpeting something out".

I enjoy being reminded of these things. Communication is something that I truly believe that people do not pay nearly enough attention to. It is far too easy to get wrapped up in our own "way" to take the time to actually consider other people and their "way".