Wind of Change

Music speaks to my soul. So often I find that the music that spins round and round in my head, is tied directly to the what is going on in my life. A more accurate statement may be that it reflects my attitude about the events I am watching unfold from day to day.

Awhile back I posted a blog siting Outshined (Soundgarden) ... there has been one that made referance to Scars (Papa Roach) ... there have been many other songs that have dominated the last several years of my life and in large part they have delt with pain and loss and general confusion ... basically they have delt with struggle.

I have been reflecting lately. So much has changed in my life over the last year or so. There has been a resurection of my hopes and dreams. In many ways I am so much happier than I ever imagined possible. The biggest struggle as of late is stopping myself from "worrying that this is all some dream". I am slowly learning to stop worrying about the other shoe dropping, and embrace the day.

I have the most gorgeous, incredible, amazing wife in the world. I have the most amazing children (4 to be exact) to watch grow and learn and become young adults. I find myself for the first time in a very long time firmly excited about life and what it has to offer.

I have some new songs floating around in my head and dominating my thoughts these days. Below is one that has been firmly planted in my head for about 2 weeks now by Kris Allen. The song is titled ... Live Like We're Dying ... and shouldn't we all do a little more of that? Afterall ... Life is not about the minutes you were given, its about what you did with those minutes ... at the end of the day.


Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up
We're hiding behind skin that's too tough
How come we don't say I love you enough
Till it's to late, it's not too late

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come
And we could make a feast from these crumbs
And we're all staring down the barrel of a gun
So if your life flashed before you,
What would you wish you would've done

CHORUS:
Yeah, we gotta start
Looking at the hands of the time we've been given
If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking
If every second counts on a clock that's ticking
Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying


And if your plane fell out of the skies
Who would you call with your last goodbye
Should be so careful who we live out our lives
So when we long for absolution,
There'll no one on the line, yeah


CHORUS (X2)


You never know a good thing till it's gone
You never see a crash till it's head on
Why do we think we're right when we're dead wrong
You never know a good thing till it's gone

CHORUS (x2)

Married

I got married. I keep saying it because quite frankly I don't know if it has settled in yet or what. Fact is I LOVE and ADORE my wife. Long before I married her I knew she was my future, so in a way the marriage itself was a matter of destiny. I must admit though, it has a wonderful ring to it. Using the words "my wife", fill me with pride, knowing I have the honor of referring to her in that manner. She is the most incredible woman I have ever known, and I find myself in awe of her strength, beauty, and kindness on a daily basis.

Almost Wedding Time

The wedding is drawing near, I am excited. I look forward to celebrating with our family and friends. I have truly enjoyed helping (what little bit I have) to plan this event. I am so blessed to have met Jill, she is the most amazing woman I have ever known. I look forward to each and every day that I share with her. She has transformed my life in so many ways, just by simply being who she is. I am far from perfect, and so is she, but she is perfect FOR ME. That is the best way I know to summarize how I feel about her. The first word that always pops to mind is perfect. I honestly think that ours is a perfect love, two people with flaws, that when combined become so much more than they could hope to be, standing alone. I love her with all my heart, and will forever and beyond. I cannot wait until the wedding and that moment when she officially becomes my wife.

Simple Complexity

I must admit that I am guilty of over-thinking. I am am frequently reminded when debating a topic that I have an odd perspective on most things. I find that while I can generally understand how others view things, I consistently catch myself coming from a different angle.

This can be very tiring indeed. Mentally it is taxing at times, to be trying to explain your point of view, and also have people seemingly compelled to explain their views as though you are incapeable of understanding.

Now I realize that it is a fine line that I am describing whereby simply expressing a different opinion generally prompts people to explain. This is compounded by having strong feelings and speaking with passion.

I had the pleasure of sharing company with a wise man last night that will be marrying Jilly and I. He is the type of guy that has a million wise words/thoughts to ponder, if you take the time to catch the bits he throws out.

One thing I noticed on a couple occasions during our conversation with him was that he made mention of "proper communication" and "good listening skills" and he seemed to stress the importance of talking to people not talking AT people. I believe he chose to use the term "trumpeting something out".

I enjoy being reminded of these things. Communication is something that I truly believe that people do not pay nearly enough attention to. It is far too easy to get wrapped up in our own "way" to take the time to actually consider other people and their "way".

2010 A look forward ....

My Jilly Bean does an annual year in review blog. I enjoy her reflection and observations of the year past, but I find my brain focused on the year to come. I have large amounts of the last couple years, and for that matter the last several years that I would prefer to forget. Let me be perfectly clear, however, there have been many blessings and glimpses of hope, there have been life-changing wonderful moments, but those moments have been mixed with some very negative and ugly injustices (mostly caused by some very negative and truly ugly people)... I feel that that shroud has finally been lifted.

There are a couple key reasons for this feeling of promise and I would like to take a moment to note them.

One factor is my attitude, I have learned (very painfully at times) that no matter how hard you try, or how certain you are that you are doing what is right; there can occasionally be forces at work that will simply not allow things to be as they should. I have always known the previous statement was true, but finding that balance between not giving up and always giving your best, and knowing when you have done all that you can, was something that I have had to improve on. I think my default setting is to try harder and put forth more effort, and usually that produces good results. When it doesn't, I have learned to be comforted by the knowledge that I truly gave my all, and have the ability to learn and grow from any mistakes made along the way.

The second and most important factor is my Jilly. She is without a doubt the most amazing woman I have ever known. She is not without flaws (no human being is) and that is part of what makes her so special, her ability to understand that simple fact. She is constantly putting others ahead of herself. She is a fantastic mother, and a superb partner. One look into her eyes, and I am reassured that no matter what, things will be just fine. She has seen me at my weakest, and she has propped me up. She has shown me her vulnerabilities without reservation, and it has helped me to understand and admire her more. She is everything and MORE than I could ever imagine a companion to be. This year 2010 is the year that she will become my wife. My happily ever after officially begins when she and I exchange those vows and pledge our lives to one another. I say "officially" because the fact is that I pledged myself to her long ago and she has owned my heart I think since long before I ever knew her.

There is a plan, many will scoff at me saying that, but it is true. I don't just believe it, I KNOW it. I will not pretend to understand why my path has been laid out this way, but it is MY path, and I have finally found the person that was meant to walk it along side me. I am excited for each new day going forward, and I am blessed beyond my capacity for words.

My "secret" movie

Tonight I watch my favorite movie ... and for the record I LOVE movies ... and I have many that I enjoy, many I like to watch ... and yes, most of them are movies of substance, movies with action and raw emotion ... movies like Gladiator, and 300 top that list ... then there are movies that make me laugh and smile inside ... movies like Monty Pythons Holy Grail and Natl Lampoons Christmas Vacation ... and who doesn't love some suspense and a good scare that movies like Halloween or The Strangers can deliver ....

I am not referring to any of those movies though ... I am talking about a movie that has it all .... a movie that makes me smile inside, a movie that places me on the edge of my seat, a movie that captures a very real glimpse of Raw human emotion ... a story that is brilliant in its simplicity, and rich with complex and unique characters

What is this movie you may ask .... P.S. I Love You .... If you haven't seen it .... watch it .... then watch it again .... stop and think about it and what it says to you .... consider if you have ever felt any of those brilliantly illustrated emotions that I am referring to that pop to mind each time I watch this masterpiece

Just So YOU Know ...

its coming ... I promise ... I have sat back and I have been quiet .... but I am re-surfacing, and know this EVIL, you that would hurt me and those that I hold dearest .... you cannot defeat me, your efforts are wasted .... fact is, you cannot even exist in my presence, you have tried, and you have even perceived the upper hand, but make no mistake about it, defeat does NOT exist here, so you best reconsider your tactics, and try your parlor tricks on another ... I am not intimidated ... I've taken the best you have got, and I still stand ready