2010 A look forward ....

My Jilly Bean does an annual year in review blog. I enjoy her reflection and observations of the year past, but I find my brain focused on the year to come. I have large amounts of the last couple years, and for that matter the last several years that I would prefer to forget. Let me be perfectly clear, however, there have been many blessings and glimpses of hope, there have been life-changing wonderful moments, but those moments have been mixed with some very negative and ugly injustices (mostly caused by some very negative and truly ugly people)... I feel that that shroud has finally been lifted.

There are a couple key reasons for this feeling of promise and I would like to take a moment to note them.

One factor is my attitude, I have learned (very painfully at times) that no matter how hard you try, or how certain you are that you are doing what is right; there can occasionally be forces at work that will simply not allow things to be as they should. I have always known the previous statement was true, but finding that balance between not giving up and always giving your best, and knowing when you have done all that you can, was something that I have had to improve on. I think my default setting is to try harder and put forth more effort, and usually that produces good results. When it doesn't, I have learned to be comforted by the knowledge that I truly gave my all, and have the ability to learn and grow from any mistakes made along the way.

The second and most important factor is my Jilly. She is without a doubt the most amazing woman I have ever known. She is not without flaws (no human being is) and that is part of what makes her so special, her ability to understand that simple fact. She is constantly putting others ahead of herself. She is a fantastic mother, and a superb partner. One look into her eyes, and I am reassured that no matter what, things will be just fine. She has seen me at my weakest, and she has propped me up. She has shown me her vulnerabilities without reservation, and it has helped me to understand and admire her more. She is everything and MORE than I could ever imagine a companion to be. This year 2010 is the year that she will become my wife. My happily ever after officially begins when she and I exchange those vows and pledge our lives to one another. I say "officially" because the fact is that I pledged myself to her long ago and she has owned my heart I think since long before I ever knew her.

There is a plan, many will scoff at me saying that, but it is true. I don't just believe it, I KNOW it. I will not pretend to understand why my path has been laid out this way, but it is MY path, and I have finally found the person that was meant to walk it along side me. I am excited for each new day going forward, and I am blessed beyond my capacity for words.

My "secret" movie

Tonight I watch my favorite movie ... and for the record I LOVE movies ... and I have many that I enjoy, many I like to watch ... and yes, most of them are movies of substance, movies with action and raw emotion ... movies like Gladiator, and 300 top that list ... then there are movies that make me laugh and smile inside ... movies like Monty Pythons Holy Grail and Natl Lampoons Christmas Vacation ... and who doesn't love some suspense and a good scare that movies like Halloween or The Strangers can deliver ....

I am not referring to any of those movies though ... I am talking about a movie that has it all .... a movie that makes me smile inside, a movie that places me on the edge of my seat, a movie that captures a very real glimpse of Raw human emotion ... a story that is brilliant in its simplicity, and rich with complex and unique characters

What is this movie you may ask .... P.S. I Love You .... If you haven't seen it .... watch it .... then watch it again .... stop and think about it and what it says to you .... consider if you have ever felt any of those brilliantly illustrated emotions that I am referring to that pop to mind each time I watch this masterpiece

Just So YOU Know ...

its coming ... I promise ... I have sat back and I have been quiet .... but I am re-surfacing, and know this EVIL, you that would hurt me and those that I hold dearest .... you cannot defeat me, your efforts are wasted .... fact is, you cannot even exist in my presence, you have tried, and you have even perceived the upper hand, but make no mistake about it, defeat does NOT exist here, so you best reconsider your tactics, and try your parlor tricks on another ... I am not intimidated ... I've taken the best you have got, and I still stand ready

Funny thing about the internet ...

My standard advice to internet users (especially the non-computer savy) ... DO NOT put ANYTHING on the internet that you don't plan on sharing with the world ... no such thing as internet privacy, and that ALSO goes for ... what you view, and the pages you frequent ... so ask yourself this question, before you seek things out ... "should I be looking at this" ... and ... "would I want others knowing I'm looking at this"

Beginning Again

I have written time and time again about what I have learned over the last several years of my life. I have had a growth period over the last couple years in particular, as I have endured many injustices, and have failed in my attempts to correct many of those things. I am faced with one of those issues this coming weekend. As much as I have come to dread, and wilt, at the continual struggle to escape the dark cloud that is insistant on chasing me down, I welcome the opportunity to face this issue and place it behind me where it belongs. I refuse to be beaten down by hatred and evil, I will never cower to what is wrong for the sake of taking the EASY road.

On a different matter ... I am finally getting my brain fully wrapped around my coming wedding to the most wonderful woman in the world .... my Jilly is quite simply Fantastic in every way shape and form .... and I look happily forward to spending the rest of my life with her .... together her and I can accomplish anything ... we may get around to global warming and universal health care, but our plate is full at present, so the world will have to be patient ... our littles come first

So today I cast aside the past and officially declare a new beginning ... I am resetting the mechanism .... stay tuned

Realization ....

Have you ever known what it feels like to look at someone, and have your heart skip a beat?

Have you ever known what it is like when you hear a song, and are instantly compelled to call her, or send a text, because you know you need to tell her how much you love her?

Have you ever been overwhelmed with the need to hold another person, as they lay next to you in bed, and soundly sleep?

Have you ever rushed home just to hold her, and held her .... only to find, that before you even released your grasp, you wanted to hold her more? ......

You would think at 34 years old, after being married and living a pretty full life thusfar I would have experienced many, if not all of these things ... but they were all foreign to me

I NOW know these things, these thoughts and feelings, and my life is richer for it ...

Scars ...

Papa Roach sings a song that I really like ... its called Scars ... Unfortunately it has become a bit of a mantra for me. I will include the lyrics for those of you that are unfamiliar ...

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed 'cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
Your making me insane
All I can say is

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much and
Our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advise
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That your drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion's in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much and
Our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause your drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
[But you didn't understand]
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much and
Our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much and
Our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

this song illustrates the lesson that my first long-term relationship/marriage taught me very vividly and painfully ... It is almost aas if it were written by me at the tail end of that mess ... the problem is that there are characteristics, or side-effects of living through such a thing that I struggle with. I now know what it is like to NOT be oblivious ..... I now know what it is like to have REASON to not trust someone that you "should" trust ... Most of all I now realize that I care too much ...

Problem is, I don't want to care less ...

Worn Shoe ...

Lately I feel like an old beat up smelly worn out shoe. I gave lots of miles, and carried those that have depended on me far, but now I have very little left. My wear is visible. My flaws are many. Is there really any value left in me, or am I reduced to a tattered shell that can only reflect on what I once was.

Reflecting ...

I have been thinking quite a bit this week about various things, for various reasons. Lots of work things, and financial things, and other grown-up non-fun stuff. It occurred to me at several points however that I needed to be mindful of some of the motivating factors that make that grown-up side of life tolerable.

One of the first things that pops into mind is my littles. Mitchell and Emilee provide warmth and smiles without even making an effort. They can transform an otherwise grey-day into a bright and fun adventure, just by being their little selves. I get lost in their smiles at times and am filled with pride just looking at them and knowing that I have the honor of being their father.

Another one of my initial thoughts veers to the twins. Emma and Alex are still fairly new to my life, but it seems aas though they have always been there. Months have melted and already seem like years. They are at a different stage than the littles in their development and bring a different dynamic to my life. Watching them grow and learn to be young adults is truly a pleasure I wouldn't trade for the world.

All four of those little rascalls make me pause as I reflect ... from Emilee's attempts to bribe me with kisses and hugs to Emma's way of looking at me when she knows I am pulling her leg ... from Alex's kamikazi style when we are "swatting the ball around" at the racquetball court to Mitchell's obsession with all things Wii ... I know at the end of the day they are 4 very special little beings that will hopefully gain some measure of good from the time I get to spend with them ... it truly is one of the greatest opportunities I have ever been given to help guide them as they all grow (much too quickly)

That brings me to my Jilly ... My person, the one I was meant to spend my life with, the keeper of my heart, the one who completes me .... I could go on and on attempting to explain how much I love her, how much she means to me ... my love knows no bounds ... something dawned on me this past week, something I don't know that I have considered until now. I was describing to someone how much she means to me, how I just kind of "know" she's the one and a thought dropped into my head after the fact ... I think one of the things that actually makes me so certain about her and so secure in my choice to give my life to her is .... fear

Fear!?!? I know sounds strange doesn't it ... but its not like that, not the type of fear that you are thinking, pay attention reader ... its not fear of being alone, its not fear of any of those silly insecurity driven relationship type things .... its the knowledge that for the first time in my life I am afraid of not having HER in my life ... I have never NEEDED someone else in my life before, and I know with her that I don't want to be anywhere else, or with anyone else ... just her, my life belongs with her ... destiny chose her for me, and I know its where I belong ... The fact that I care so deeply for her, that being without her scares me, actually comforts me that she is, and will always be, the one for me.

I cannot conclude this blog without mentioning another aspect of my life that helps power me through the "tight spots" in life and adds extra smiles even on the best of days ... that is my friends, I got some of the best that there are ... they are all unique and have their little quirks, but they are my people ... don't mess with em, or you will see me get cross in a hurry ... one of the best of the best of them (actually a couple of them) are dealing with some tough stuff the last few days and I want them to have all the positive energy I can throw their way ... i am thinkin about you SRYS and your people, and my heart aches for your loss today <3

Conflicted and Confused ...

Ever been right AND wrong at the same time? Ahhh, I got you, thats kind of a trick question, because afterall, who gets to decide what is right and what is wrong. Seriously though we each choose what we feel to be right, thats just the way it has to be. There is no true peace without that ability. Without the ability to choose and to believe we are hollow.

Let me get to the core here. My life has fairly frequently showed me that often times the is a rift between what we "want" and what is "attainable".

Now the trick is figuring out when what is attainable fits. Sometimes what is attainable fills you up and makes your circle complete, it doesn't necessarily need to be exactly the way you "want" it to be.

Other times what is attainable, is just something that gets you close to where you want to be, but it won't allow you to quite complete that circle. I believe we encounter that frequently in life, and then human nature kicks in, and we struggle and pull and try to "change" it into that thing that will get us where we want to be. This is foolish and ends up causing heartache and pain. Regret closely follows, as we sit and question "how the hell did I get here" ... we got there by ignoring the facts ... we got there by not being honest with ourselves and examining our needs and being true to our personality ...

Off Days ...

Ok, so here's the deal ... I was reminded today that sometimes things that are very small in the grand scope of things can have a large effect on your mood at times. I do not understand that fully, it seems to defy logic, but it is how it is. Annoyance is very difficult for me to deal with as an individual. I have faced some big dissapointment in life, I know anger, I feel fear, and sadness has crept in without warning on more than one occasion ... and I think I handle all of those things pretty well, rarely does it seem to break my stride ... I just "deal with it" and carry on, it is life afterall, and there are more important things than the negative to focus on. That is probably what frustrates me about Annoyances, I find them to be particularly troubling because often time they are too "small" to warrant any real action, but just "big" enough to cause discomfort .... This, I do not like, it causes me to spin and begin to wrestle with my own thought process. Afterall, if something is disturbing it seems to go against the grain to leave it be and not do ANYTHING about it ... Yet jumping on every single issue and trying to clean every little detail in life up, is just silly and maddening. There is not enough energy in the day to handle that, that energy should be conserved for the big things that really matter ..... Annoyance annoys me

P.S. I Love You ...

Interestingly enough, tonight after returning the children to "the demon", I arrived home and did a few things, and then as it was time to settle in, she says "put in P.S. I Love You" ... Here's the thing, my LEAST favorite movies are "chick flicks", but I gotta say it is one of my all time favorite movies. If you have not watched it ... go get it, and watch it. It is the type of movie that, if you stop, watch, listen, and think ... it has the potential to help you see things that are otherwise missed. It has the potential to change your life ... I believe in ART, I believe that the purpose of art in this world, is to help us see, help us grow as people. There is music that will do that, there are movies that will do that, there are millions of photos and paintings that will do it .... but here is the wrinkle, none of it will do a damn thing for you if you don't take the time to notice, or appreciate it .... I urge you to stop, take the time, and "notice"

What is the sum ...

When you add it all up, how does it total out .... tell me that. I have been pondering that throughout the recent weeks and I ask YOU .... how does it all total up for you? I have seen more in my days thusfar than I would have liked. It certainly could have been worse, I have not had a "bad" life thusfar, by my estimation, but nonetheless there are a few things I would rather have not learned so early. I am not in the mood to blog about those specific issues. At this point, I am more inclined to ponder/ post this thought for you reader ..... How does it sum up ..... When you total the positives and negatives of your past and present, how does it sum up? If we really want to get "real", lets factor in our perception of our future .... so simply put, stop and think, when you consider your past, your present, and your future how do you view it .... are you "in the black" .... are there more positives than negatives? Be careful, mood plays a part in this analysis ... When we are cross, it is easier to dismiss the positives and focus on the negatives ... When we are filled with bliss, it is simpler to gloss over the negatives and be consumed with positives alone. I urge you to catch yourself in an "honest" moment and reflect. Check your total, and balance your book ... if the total isn't where it should be, adjust ....

No new blogs .... abundance of new thought

Here's the deal ... I have been wrapped in turmoil for FAR too long ... there are those that insist on dragging me back ... helping me up ... and dusting me off .... To be quite honest I have not been in the mood to sit down, and dig in, and process my thoughts and emotion over the last few weeks ...... but its coming

Outshined!?!?

In my latest addition of plagiarism I mean my latest blog. I would like to include the lyrics of one of my old favorite songs.

I got up feeling so down ... I got off being sold out ... I've kept the movie rolling ... But the storys getting old now ... I just looked in the mirror ... Things arent looking so good ... I'm looking california ... And feeling minnesota ... So now you know, who gets mystified ... Show me the power child ... I'd like to say ... That I'm down on my knees today ... It gives me the butterflies ... Gives me away ... Till I'm up on my feet again ... I'm feeling outshined ... Someone let the dogs out ... They'll show you where the truth is ... The grass is always greener ... Where the dogs are shitting ... I'm feeling that I'm sober ... Even though I'm drinking ... I cant get any lower ... Still I feel I'm sinking ... So now you know who gets mystified ... Show me the power child ... I'd like to say ... That I'm down on my knees today ... It gives me the butterflies ... Gives me away ... Till I'm up on my feet again ... I'm feeling outshined

That is Soundgarden ... Outshined (in case you didnt know)

Several things about that song strike me ... of course, it loses alot, without the emotional delivery that the band provides, but the lyrics are very inspiring as well. Especially if you know what it actually feels like to in fact be outshined. It is a given that we ALL have been outshined at one point or another, but I mean to actually understand it, to "get it". Not only to have that realization that you in fact are standing in the shadows, but to actually understand why it is happening. The side effect of that unpleasent knowledge is the realization that there isn't a damn thing that you can do about it.

So what do you do about it my friends?? ... Ahhh that is where things get complex ... the answer to this quandry is much more difficult than identification of the issue at hand ... this will take some processing

.... to be continued

Spring time

One of my favorite movie speeches (I say speech rather than quote because it is quite long) comes from the little known film Beautiful Girls. The quote is recited by Michael Rapaport's character "Paul" and goes as follows ...

Supermodels are beautiful girls, Will. A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you've been drinking Jack and Coke all morning. She can make you feel high full of the single greatest commodity known to man - promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. This particular aura can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl. In her smile, in her soul, the way she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it's going to be okay. The supermodels, Willy? That's all they are. Bottled promise. Scenes from a brand new day. Hope dancing in stiletto heels.

I do not know why that piece of the script sticks with me exactly, but it does. Actually the character development in that movie kind of hits the spot for me. It will most likely be lost on you, so do not think that I am suggesting that you run out and watch the movie. Don't get me wrong, I think its a good movie, but it is a strange sort of story with odd characters.

I have analyzed my fascination with the occasional odd movie, or strange story, or not-so-funny joke in the past. I believe that fascination is directly linked to my life at the time. for example, the afore mentioned movie was something I rented during my fresh out of college days. Those days that were filled with uncertainty and promise. I had a handful of good friends and remember dropping one of them in place of each of the characters quite easily. Its funny, I watched that movie again recently and found my first guess, as to which character each of us would reflect in the future, was quite a bit off the mark.

That seems to be one of my greatest gifts/assets and yet a huge curse at the same time. I tend to not take things for face value, I generally factor in the whole picture when I process things ... at this point I am undecided if that is a good or bad thing.

Fascination

Life holds many fascinations for me. I feel quite fortunate in retrospect to be where I am at this point in time mentally. I have gone through … my dreamer phase (childhood), my aimless phase (high school/ college), my searching phase (mid/ late 20’s), then my current phase which I would term my analysis phase.....

I appreciate that my life has changed and evolved in that way, it has shown me that not everything is as it seems on the surface. Perspective after all is everything. Perspective is the most important part of the events that shape our lives.

That is where the power shifts back to us as individuals. Life so often is viewed as this “thing” that deals us these uncontrollable sets of circumstances. Blindsides us with things “beyond our control”, it has been my observation, that this is an over used excuse that people cling to. They cling to this idea in an attempt to side step responsibility, and escape the effort of the thought process.....

- This makes me sad - ....

Cant Say This Enough ...

My mind has been consumed with a thought today. I have been trying to get a bead on this and simplify it a bit prior to blogging about it, but it is rich with complexity and beautiful because of it. If I had to state it simply its that "true love has come into my life and shown me the limitless possibilities that exist when another person fills you with the desire to be more than you are". My Jilly came into my life during the darkest days I have ever known. She found me broken and battered, really just a shell of a man. Somehow she saw more in me, I am still trying to figure out what drew her to me. I knew very quickly after we met that there was not another person on the planet that meshed with me the way she does.

I have written about this in the past, but just in case you missed the previous installments .... The recap is; She taught me that the "Disney Fairytail Romance" does exist ... Not because she told me it existed, not because she even seemed to believe it existed herself, she taught me by simply being the wonderful perfectly imperfect person that she is ... I was of the mindset, prior to my union with this wonderful woman, that "love" was simply two people that shared an attraction and didnt annoy each other to an intolerable point. I had that "relationships are work" mindset, and dont get me wrong, relationships DO require work.

Being with the right person makes that work something that you "want" to do. Instead of being something you do because you fell you "have" to. When I wake up in the morning and I look at that gorgeous woman laying next to me, and I get excited about the chance to share another day with her. The minutes that I spend apart from her are marked by my constant thoughts of her and longing to be back in her presence. I love her with all my heart, and that love was not something that I had to "choose to give her". My heart lept from my chest and became hers without even giving me the chance to question or second guess .... While that may sound reckless to some, rest assured my friends I have NO DOUBT that my heart has always belonged to her, I just needed some time to find her and return it to her.

I hope all my friends have found, or will find, a love like this one some day ... it is what we all deserve, but I urge you that haven't to be patient .... it truly is worth waiting for ... don't settle and sell yourself short .......... I had a phrase form in my head recently, and I posted it as my facebook staus, its worth repeating .... "Live as if your future will be determined by your choices, and love like tomorrow may not come"

The Problems of Others

Lately, I can help but notice that many people that I value a great deal have been going through struggles. As a good friend pointed out just the other day there are 3 of us (we were inseparable during high school and college) that are all going through divorce at the SAME time. Many other friends and family members are going through financial, or relationship problems, or BOTH. This makes my heart heavy. I would do anything to help those that I care for, to navigate rough waters. I have reminded myself recently however that it is the responsibility of the person in the mess to CHOOSE how best to navigate out of that mess. It can be a bit frustrating to watch someone you care about struggle, especially when they seem to MISS things that are evident from the outside looking in. As difficult as it may be to witness those struggles, it is necessary for all of us to work our way through these struggles on our own. Our role as people looking in from the outside is a "supporting cast" type role for a reason. If we made the choices in their stead, then what would they learn and take from the event? Struggles are meant to teach us and help us grow ... I firmly believe that and must remind myself, especially lately, with so many that mean so much to me faced with tough choices. I have decided that I need to step back a bit, my life is about to go through a period of change. I hope and pray that the key pieces that have been removed and damaged, via the rage and blind hatred of a mentally unstable individual, are put back where they belong, and normalcy can return. So my focus is on what is rapidly approaching, and the results that should come from all the patience and focus that it has taken to get here.

The Home Stretch....

For any that are reading this and do not already know, my life over the last couple years or so, especially the last 8ish months, has been filled with turmoil. I have had some extremely positive things occur during this last year, but it has had more than its fair share of darkness. I am finally beginning to feel like I am in the home stretch.

It is a strange feeling, it feels as though I am waking up from a bit of a trance. I will not go into detail as I could write for weeks on the challenges and injustices that I have faced over these last 8 months ... so lets just say there has been a LOT of things that have happened, that were flat out WRONG, and it has taken a great deal of patience to wait for resolution.

I mention this, only to explain where I believe the trance that I spoke of began. I think my brain simply began to go a little numb when faced with these unreasonable and unjust events. Afterall there was nothing rational that could be done to counter the irrationality I was faced with at the time. So the brain simply went into a self-preservation type mode. I look forward to finally pulling myself out of the muck of uncertainty, and finally getting to make choices based on what is known. It will be 2 weeks until that day of reckoning comes, but I look forward to it, and smell freedom in the air. I am energized with hope, and the idea that no matter the final outcome, the "wondering" will definately be OVER.

Learn As You Go ....

I am beginning to realize that life is quite frankly a constant OJT (On-the Job- Training) session. I have been given just enough intelligence (and not an ounce more) to know what to truly worry about. I over process and I over analyze. Truth is that I wouldn't have it any other way ... don't get me wrong stress and worry are not my idea of a good time. Think for a second of the alternative, honestly if we don't have the vision to see the things that we find to be unpleasant, how can we expect to know true beauty and feel real warmth. What are roses without thorns???? I guess a more fitting question is would the rose even "exist" without the thorn .... I personally do not believe so.

I am certain of very few things in life. One of those certainties is that life has some indescribably precious and spiritual moments to offer if you have the patience and vision to see them. Another certainty is that life can knock the stuffing out of you without a seconds notice. Life owes us NOTHING, it is our responsibility to sift through what is out there. I believe in fate my friends, I believe that there is a plan for us all, weather we choose to acknowledge it or not. I also believe that 75% of our "problems" in life are self created ... and the other 25% are there for a reason to help us grow and learn to be better, stronger people. It is how we CHOOSE to respond to adversity that defines us.

One of my favorite stories pops to mind ... it is about the young woman that has been beaten down by life ... she has nothing left in the tank ... she is at the end of her rope .... her mother comes to visit ... and after listening to the girl tell of her struggles, her mother leads her to the kitchen ... the mother puts 3 pots of water on the stove to boil ... she begins to explain to her daughter that there are 3 basic types of people in the world ... ... in the first pot she places some carrots as the water begins to boil ... in the second she places a few eggs ... and in the third pot she dumps a scoop of coffee grounds ... ... then she turns to her daughter and asks her to check the first pot ... "what do you see" she asks, the daughter replies "carrots" ... her mother says look closer, they are carrots but look what the boiling water has done to them they are soft and flimsy "weak" because of what they have been subjected to ..... now look at the second pot, the eggs have "hardened" .... but lets look at the third pot she says with a smile, the coffee has blended with the boiling water and actually has a wonderful aroma and flavor ... it has actually "improved" when subjected to the same environment that the carrots and eggs were placed in .... moral of the story is, that when life turns up the heat on you, when the water around you is boiling and you feel pressure, how will you respond ... will you "weaken", will you "harden", or will you "improve" because you have accepted that your environment does not define you? It is much more important to be mindful of how you reacted, than what you have been through.

I hope you all are coffee my friends ...... life really is a beautiful thing, when we take the time to look........

Words to live by ....

As of late, I have been a bit consumed with the reality, that there is a lack of regard for decency and respect. Today's society in large part is made up of people who for a variety of reasons are very selfish at the core, they have seemingly lost the ability to be selfless. That being the case, I have been troubled, and I have pndered and analyzed .... but I had a moment this evening to stop and brows through a few old quotes that reminded me of the ideas that I hold dear, the very notions that I wish would spread like wildfire in these days. I will share a few, these below are from Charles Swindoll ... beginning with my favorite of all ....

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

“I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for that handful of friends who have given me a heart full of joy. Let's face it, friends make life a lot more fun.”

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.”

“A family is a place where principles are hammered and honed on the anvil of everyday living.”

“We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.”

I know it can be a bit "cheap" to use the words of others to make your point, but i have to say that I was glad to be able to read through those words today ... it helps me re-set my mechanism, so it is my honor to share them with you, do with them what you will...

What defines us???

Last night was one of those marathon talking sessions that I frequently subject Jilly to. First of all let me say, that I appreciate the fact that she is able to tolerate my constant speaking, when I get in these modes. Secondly, for the benefit of any that read this that don't know me that well, it is worth pointing out, that I know that I talk WAY to much, and my opinion generally doesn't waiver. It is as though I get "wound up" and the flood gates open, and out comes Josh's thoughts. That in itself seems fairly normal, but the thing is, that I have a hard time just "throwing something out there" for someone to think about. I tend to have this way of talking a point to death. This gets amplified, of course, when someone throws out a differing point of view, or offers a "reason" that something is the way it is. I just cant help but offer my opinion ...

Here is the curve ball. I am aware of the things in the paragraph above, but I still struggle with moderating my thoughts. I spend ALOT of time thinking, maybe too much (but is that seriously possible, or merely something someone once said who was too apathetic to give the effort {different blog}) and out of that thinking (especially the last few years) I have taken the time to learn ALOT about myself. I have also began to take the time to observe, and listen and learn alot about others around me. I am after all an "attention to detail" kind of guy. I take great pride in this. One obviously has to be careful to balance, and not be judgmental, or overly critical; but all to often, I think the majority of people error in the other direction, they basically gloss over the detail ... sometimes simply ignore it all together. I did for many years of my life. I have always had a decent "radar" when it came to people. I have generally speaking been given a gift, when it came to knowing what to generally expect, from people of differing personality types. I chose to basically ignore that for most of my young adult life.

I made Jilly suffer through "Maverick" recently, which as corny as it may be is one of my favorite movies. Maverick goes through the movie trying to explain to his fellow card sharks, that "everyone has tells" ... tells that show what they are thinking. A lot of people may think he is simply referring to if they have good cards or not ... but it is much deeper than that, if you truly look, the tell shows much more than that. It gives you a glimpse of what that person is actually thinking. What emotion are they overcome with at that moment ... are they "excited", "happy", "anxious", "frustrated", "distraught" ... once you identify the emotion, and you pair it with the event, you get a decent idea what is going on in that persons brain ... that is their actual tell ..... that is the moment when you get a quick glimpse of which way that person is leaning.

All that being said, I guess my point is, that I like being an attention to detail guy. I also firmly believe, that life would be a bit less complicated, if more people took the time to stop and pay attention. So as much as I annoy myself, (and I am sure others) with my analysis, I cant see stopping. I don't think I have it in me, to stop paying attention to the details.

Lets talk technician

I have had blog thoughts floating around in my head for the last few days. I have chosen to go with a getting to know me theme. Part 1 of this theme will address an area of my life that I rarely take the time to stop and analyze. I would like to dissect my worker side a bit today. Those of you that know me, probably are aware of the fact that I like to joke about how "little" I do. I am usually good for a, "how dare they call me to go fix something", if I am on the phone, or sending a message to a friend when duty calls. Today I will clear the air (because my sarcasm and jokes are at times masked quite well). Even though I joke, I actually work very hard and care a great deal about the work that I do. It is an extension of who I am and what I believe in, I do not know how to fully seperate who I am from what I do, and don't think I would want to if I could.

So let me tell you a little about what I actually do. I am an Electronics Technician at a hardwood lumber manufacturer. Sounds fascinating doesn't it (there's that famous sarcasm) .... actually it is quite interesting and challenging. This job has taken me to other countries for training purposes. This job has shown me that there really is nothing that I cannot accomplish. I continually find myself performing a very wide variety of tasks. There are times that I am inside a machine with 4' pipe wrenches and hammers. Other times, I am standing there with a laptop in hand adjusting the timing on a million plus dollar piece of equipment. I do office computer troubleshooting and repair, I do networking, I test and give recommendations on new software, I help identify improvements that need to be written into new programs so they are functional here. On the machinery side of things I wire up and test new equipment, I repair existing equipment (mechanically and electrically), I identify and modify equipment to make it run more efficiently, I make changes to ensure the equipment runs smoothly and lasts as long as it can without repair. I basically do anything and everything that is asked of me to help this company keep moving forward, if that involved me sweeping a floor, I'd do it.

So know that I have drug you through that lengthy description (I could spend days going into detail) of what I basically do, let me get to the point. I love my job. There I said it. I actually genuinely enjoy what I do and more so that I am good at what I do. I get frustrated, as I believe everyone does, there are people that don't pull there weight, there are people doing foolish things that cause me hours of work to "clean up". When you get right down to it though, I know at the end of the day, that I give my best, and I walk away with pride in that. I am also lucky enough to be respected by my co-workers, I know that if they need something that I will generally be the first one they call, and that is a great feeling.

What do you know .... duty calls ... more later

True Love

I have been consumed by negative thoughts over the last while, as you can tell by my blogs. I have many dark clouds still circling overhead. I was very recently reminded how much that I am loved, and it has made all the difference in the world. I know right now, and forever will know that I have things to be thankful for. I have two AMAZING children that fill my soul with warmth and love. I have an UNBELIEVABLE family, and INCREDIBLE friends that all would tear their right arm off for me. The thing that brings me to this keyboard at this very moment pertains to someone else. I would like to take a moment to talk about my Jilly. Until I met her, I never understood what true love was, or more importantly that it even existed. I have only known her a short time, by earthly standards, but believe me when I tell you, our souls have been connected for an eternity. Words will never accurately describe what she means to me. As i mentioned earlier, there are a lot of dark clouds lurking, and they have been for some time now. I am moving in a positive direction, and I see those clouds clearing day by day. Despite the fact that my emotions whirl, and my brain questions, she continually provides me with love and understanding. Neither of us are, or desire to be, perfect by any stretch of the imagination. She, quite simply put, is the other half of my soul. I have never known what it was like to have this type of security and confidence in my life. I am still trying to adjust to it quite frankly. I have always been, and will continue to be a "giver". It is just part of my personality, I am a fish after all. I guess that it stands to reason that givers tend to attract "takers", and when you attempt to build a life with a taker, and you are strong and stubborn, and give, and give, and give ... quite frankly after awhile you begin to think that may quite simply be your destiny. I am VERY happy to report that that is definitely not the case. This wonderful woman, who came out of nowhere, (with a little help from SRYS) has given me the greatest gift that I could ever imagine....

Her LOVE, true love, and I will forever be a stronger, and better man because of it.

Roller Coaster

So I am gonna stop and smell the coffee. I am gonna slow down and listen to the wind and the rain and absorb its peace and serenity. I gotta sit here and chuckle to myself, cause I picked a moment to stop and listen and ..... there is nothing, a pin drop could be heard at this moment. I am at the realization that my brain so often puts the cart before the horse. Quite frankly I do not see the point for you to even continue reading this blog. Just as the title implies, I am but a roller coaster of thoughts and emotion at present, and that is not who or what I truly am or wish to be. So my friends (lmfao all two of you that follow this) it is time to take this crap underground and figure out just what the hell it is I need and want to say before I continue dropping it here for the world to see ......

-- to be continued --

Smell The Coffee

It is time for a different sort of blog ... A blog that isn't dealing with my confusion, or my doubts, or fears. This blog is a simple statement of where I intend for my mind to dwell. I have noticed recently that I do not take near enough time to stop and smell the coffee, enjoy those simple moments. I have done a bit of that today, and intend to make a concious effort to do more. I do not tell the people that I care about how much that they mean to me nearly enough. I do not stop and listen to their laughter, or count their smiles. I intend to do a better job at those things. I generally speak of turmoil, pain, and confusion; because my life has had more than its fair share of those things in the last couple years (or so). To put it mildly though, I have had enough of the fear and doubt that it has brought into my life. I have learned lessons through these tough times, lessons that I will never forget, but it is time for me to get back to the person that I am at my core. I am the person that can get a kick out of watching/ listening to Mitchell and Emilee carry on a conversation. I smile inside when the twins sit in awe as I build a fire to warm them. There is nothing like listening to Jill from the other room as she is rolling with laughter over "cakewrecks" ... I do indeed have so very much to be thankful for, and intend to do a better job slowing down and taking the time to appreciate it.

I was correct ....

The tell is valid ...

Further Processed

My last entry delt with the realization that I speak WAY too much. I basically seem to have an inability to NOT share my "opinion" on virtually any and every subject. Those of you that really know me are sitting there nodding your heads.

Here is the million dollar question, due to the excessive amount of words that I utter, at what point does it simply serve as an annoyance to others. I think I have a bit of a bead on that. most people, especially the ones that I choose to spend the majority of my time around, are very poilte towards me. Especially the last 6-8 months due to my life basically being a tad complicated. So that being the case, I feel that they give me a large amount of space when it comes to listening to me ramble. Which brings me to a point of trying to figure out how to guage when my "thoughts/ words" are annoying them. I think I have found a bit of a "tell". I am beginning to notice that despite my frequent (almost constant) handing out of thoughts and advice, that very few (if any) people seems to bother paying attention to any of it. It is kind of a "let him talk, and then go on about your business" approach that people have developed with me. If that "tell" is in fact an indicator that my words are like those of the teacher from Charlie Brown (wah wah wha wha wah) then holy crap I annoy alot of people.

This greatly concerns me .... and NO, not from the; damn it, they didn't listen to me standpoint ... but more from the standpoint that I seem to have placed myself in the "invalid" spectrum of peoples brains. Which for 99% of the public that doesn't really bother me much, but for those that matter to me, that is not where I want, or need to be. My excessive rambling truly comes from my heart, and the fact that I care about people with all that I am ... It seems that I have over steered however, to a point where people generally smile, nod, and tune me out.

Second Of Clarity

OK, it has just dawned on me. I talk too much. I think out loud. I give too much information without regard to whether or not that information is welcome or necessary. That is the hazard of thinking aloud.

Unfortunately, that is part of who I am. Someone recently pointed out that I wear my heart on my sleeve. That is unintentional, but again it is who I am. One would think that would be a mind freeing way to go about life, but I find it to be cumbersome. (yes, I just wanted to say cumbersome) The problem for me is, that I get that instant release of thoughts, only to revisit those thoughts and the statements that they prompt, in my head after the fact .... and what is the saying about hindsight.... yea that's the one

I really gotta learn to process first and speak later......

But damn am I good at the speaking part

Situational Awareness

I am confused about people. I am beginning to realize that my confusion is in large part self-created. I have a bad habit of understanding things from "my point of view". I have been beginning to see however that other people look at things from their own perspective and at times that can be radically different and it can cause friction. Let me get Biblical for a moment because this is a golden rule that I believe deeply in. Treat others as you would like to be treated (put simply in my own words), sounds like a worthy rule to live by right? This morning I find myself pondering that rule however, is it really wise to treat others as we want to be treated ourselves? What about treating others as "they" want to be treated. Again I will point out that others often look at things from their point of view, so when we are saying or doing things that "we ourselves" find acceptable, that is definitely no guarantee that someone else will feel the same way. Obviously you cant go around trying to please everyone, and I personally have no desire to. I am talking about my "people" that small circle that I value beyond myself. Those that I would do anything for. Those that are loved and admired unconditionally. Is it not fair, to say that the responsibility lies with me to understand what they need and treat them as they desire to be treated? I find myself too often times to be the one in the room that doesn't quite see it the same way as everyone else, and it seems that that may be a clue that my perspective may be flawed. It is my perspective however, and it comes directly from my personality and the elements that make me who I am, so it would be unrealistic to expect it to change radically. There seems to definitely be room for a shift in my awareness, better effort to stop and realize what people are affected, and how they may or may not feel ... ... After all I find that we as people frequently fail to meet our own standards (if we have placed the bar highly enough) ... and I am not sure that my bar has been where it has belonged ...

What A Day....

My confusion as of late has really began to take hold. I feel it beginning to set roots, and that I cannot allow. I am in need of clarity ... touched on this a bit with my last post .... the need for simplification. Getting to the core of things and dealing with them at their most basic form. Today provided some clarity, there were soem long e-mails exchanged between the most wonderful woman I have ever know and myself, and they provided me with a bit of clarity. I still haven't sorted things out, but I feel like I am getting closer to the root of things. At this point I just find myself to be tired. Confusion completely wipes me out, it actually physically drains me. I now am in need of a recharge. Relaxation is in order, there are good things on my horizon, I can feel that and I can tell that it isn't far off. Once I finally regain my stride there will be no stopping me until I reach my goals.

Interesting Question

Ok, my mind has been racing lately, lots of information and questions bouncing around. Today I decided I need to simplify. I want to try and get to the core and slow things down a bit. A simple question popped right into my head … “what defines us” … I walked around a while bouncing that thought around in my head, when I encountered a good friend in passing and I threw it out at him. Without hesitation he said “what we do”. Well those of you that know me know that isn’t gonna cut it for me … so being the pest that I occasionally am I asked “what we do today, yesterday, or a combination of both”? Now I asked that question expecting him to pause, reflect, and stumble to some type of conclusion, but instead he floored me with a beauty of a thought. He said it is “what we do when we know no one else is looking”. I found that to be an EXCELLENT statement. After all does that not sum it up nicely? So now I ask this …. What would you do if you knew no one was looking, if you knew that no matter what action you took you only had to answer to yourself and no one else? Interesting thing to ponder isn’t it?

The Maiden Voyage

So today marks a new day, the first of many entry's to the Bag Of Hammers. I am not a wordsmith, I just enjoy recording my thoughts for analysis and review. I do however try to be true to my thoughts and make every effort to choose my words wisely. Notice I said "make every effort" the results of those efforts seem to vary. I often wish that I was not limited in my ability to express my feelings in text form, but I am hoping that with some practice that those restrictions will lessen. There is a 100% probability that without effort there is no chance for success, so here we go.