Words

    They tire me, they have no value without some type of emotion or action. It has frequently occured to me that the more knowledge we posses, the less we actually have to say.

    Funny, I find myself speaking frequently, and for extended periods of time ... so to apply my recent logic, I must be lacking quite a bit of knowledge. Interesting thought, I dunno, maybe it doesn't compute, but there is the possibility that we speak to learn. Maybe we speak from fear. Maybe we speak because we simply dont know what else to do.

My Center

    Tonight is a music night. Music is a soul cleansing thing. It is where I go to find my center. It tends to ground me and slow me down. Below is a link to a tune that is one of my favs. It is actually from the soundtrack to a movie I tripped across many years ago called Beautiful Girls. The movie has a lot of star power, but was relatively unknown. I dig the movie, I dig the soundtrack. Check out both if you would like.

Beautiful Girl

The Secret

    There is a movie, that my mother first introduced me to, called The Secret. It is a very interesting, self-help type movie, that is filled with wisdom and common sense. If you have not seen it, I urge you to take the time to sit through it and really take the time to process the information that is outlined. Prior to watching The Secret, I was exposed to a similar movie named What The Bleep Do We Know, I also highly recommend it. Food for thoughts definately.

Strength ...

There is an old quote that states ... "behind every good man, is a great woman" ... I have been thinking about that statement. Most of my life, even dating back to my childhood, I have seen examples of that being the reality. My Grandma Opal is the personification of that statement. My Grandfather Carmel is without a doubt a man that I (as well as anyone that knows him) admires and respects. He is strong, kind, and wise. He is the type of man that has never met a stranger, and would take the shirt from his back to help someone he barely knows. What makes a man like that tick? What gives him that level of confidence and pride? My Grandmother is the answer to those questions.

My life has allowed me this example, to see how a great woman can indeed propel a good man to a completely different level.

For the first time in my life over the last year+ I have finally *felt* what that really is. I am so thankful to finally have someone who can exhibit that same selfless and magnificent quality that was first shown me by my wonderful grandmother.

<3 you Jilly.

Riddle me this ... ahh the days of reflection, the days of wondering, questioning, analyzing. I have always been proud of the fact that I pause. I pause to think, before I speak, before I act, before I react. Ahhh but life is nothing, if not a balancing act. It seems that paying too much attention is not productive, yet it is quite obvious, in the behavior of others, that not bothering to pay attention is definitely no better. So the key lies in the balance, without a doubt, and it requires constant effort. One just has to be careful not to be consumed by those efforts. Pay attention to the detail, just don't put too fine a point on it. Some days it is effortless, just falls into place ... other days, not exactly, takes a bit more work, and is definitely more exhausting. Such it is, I still wouldn't trade the responsibility of awareness for the simplicity of ignorance.

I'll leave you with the lyrics from one of my favorites performed by one of the great Alternative Rock Bands.

Alice In Chains : Down in a hole

Bury me softly in this womb
I give this part of me for you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers
In a tomb...in bloom


Down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved
See my heart I decorate it like a grave
You don't understand who they
Thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who wont let himself be


Down in a hole, feelin so small
Down in a hole, losin my soul
Id like to fly,
But my wings have been so denied


Down in a hole and they've put all
The stones in their place
Ive eaten the sun so my tongue
Has been burned of the taste
I have been guilty
Of kicking myself in the teeth
I will speak no more
Of my feelings beneath


Down in a hole, feelin so small
Down in a hole, losin my soul
Id like to fly but my
Wings have been so denied


Bury me softly in this womb
Oh I want to be inside of you
I give this part of me for you
Oh I want to be inside of you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers (oh I want to be inside of you)
In a tomb...in bloom


Oh I want to be inside...


Down in a hole, feelin so small
Down in a hole, losin my soul
Down in a hole, feelin so small
Down in a hole, outta control


Id like to fly but my
Wings have been so denied

Rest In Peace ... Layne Staley

Behind Blue Eyes ...

The Who (a band I am not really overly fond of) wrote a song many years before I was born with the title Behind Blue Eyes. I recently found a remade version by Limp Bizkit (who I am not really a big fan of either) ... that was, in my opinion, a great cover. Funny how that works, 2 bands I could do without .... great tune, oh well, thats how it goes sometimes.

Enough about who wrote it, sang it, remade it, or any of that nonsense ... It is a song that drills into my soul. It touches a part of me deep down. Of course music (or any other type of art) has different meanings for each of us. So obviously its really all about interpretation, but what the hell, how about a few of my observations.

For me this song speaks to the evils of even the purest of intentions. It also stands to remind me that the majority of people shuttle through life completely unaware of the affect that their thoughts, choices, and words have on others. Throughout the song it points to the isolation that is created by actually being aware of what lies beneath the surface.

It is quite simply brilliant.

Learning to be ...

I have been gone for a while .... gone from my blog ... gone from my processing point. I find however that the thoughts remain. Those thoughts just don't manage to get sorted, and processed, effectively. I will compare it to waiting too long to balance the checkbook. Everything is there, just takes a while to sort through it all, when its left to pile up.

Lets get started shall we ... I have been processing what my idea of being a person is .... is that a general enough statement? I'll clarify, being a parent, being a partner, being a family member, being a friend, being a coworker, being an individual ... these are all slightly different roles that are lumped into one human being. On some days they are hard to juggle.

I just re-read that list of "roles" a couple times, and took note of the order that I subconsciously chose to type them in.

I considered reversing the order of parent/ partner briefly, but it honestly doesn't matter which is first, they are a tie in my value scale. After those two items, that is basically the priority level that things get broken into for me.

Being a parent is something that I am extremely proud of. I can not imagine life without the opportunity to teach, and guide, these precious young minds. Their thirst for knowledge rejuvenates me. Their insistence on knowing the answer, and stubbornness when it comes to their understanding of right and wrong, impresses me. They are a blessing to watch grow and mature.

Being a partner is something that I work on everyday. I view myself as a "companionship" personality type. I never doubted, even at a young age, that I wanted to have a companion to share life with. I sifted through various changes of scenery growing up ... I literally witnessed both extremes on the companionship scale, while growing up. Examples that ranged from life-long partners logging in 50-60 (and counting) years together, to people rolling in and out of the door at a whim, as if one table, or face, was no different than the next. Strangely there was never any confusion on my part. I simply pitied those that didn't find regularity or stability, and admired more and more each day, those that found that comfort in the simple pleasures of life, and relief, from that common companionship. No one is perfect by the furthest stretch of the imagination, so I am not saying that I ever expected only peace and harmony, from a strong partnership. As a matter of fact I made some terrible mistakes as I began to attempt to "settle down". I was foolish, and arrogant, in my attitude regarding my "understanding" of relationships. I, more simply put, thought I knew what it took to "make it work". I thought I had a grip on which identifiers, and more importantly, which "red flags" were important when choosing that person to walk through life with. I could not have been much more wrong, as it turns out. Life has tought me some very painful lessons pertaining to my early choices. I work each day to better myself, based on what I have been shown. I also have been granted the clarity to see through the darkness, and find a true partner. My jilly is (to use her term) "my person" ... someone that I have dedicated my life to, and will work each day for the rest of my life, to honor and cherish.

Being a family member is very simple to summarize for me. I have always had an undeniable pride in who I am, and where I come from. I have a fierce loyalty to my family members. Even those that I do not agree with or cannot seem to figure out, have a link that cannot be broken. There are differing degrees of connection, but at the end of the day there is an unbreakable, undeniable connection that simply exists, no matter the climate.

Being a friend is very similar to the family bond for me, yet it has a bit of a fragile nature to it, that the family bond isn't subject to. In exchange for that frailty there is a side effect ... those that I call friend and that choose to call me friend complete a special bond. It is a bond that requires maintenance occasionally and respect at all times, but when it is looked after properly, it is intense. Once it blossoms it strips all boundaries, and has the ability to bring calm during even the worst of storms.

Being a coworker, seems like a trivial thing, but I do take stock of it occasionally. I feel that the "team" mentality is necessary for success in life. The workplace is the most evident example of this. What can any one hope to accomplish without the help and cooperation of the other team members? Sure many leaders and "strong" personality types can find some measure of success while lugging most of the burden alone ... but a strong team will ALWAYS succeed, no matter the weakness of an individual member. I choose to be conscious of this, because no matter what distance I can cover alone, I am certain I can go even further with a good supporting cast.

Being an individual .... that is a tough one really. I spend a lot of time dissecting my personal behavior. I tend to find that if I am paying attention to the other paragraphs above it generally takes care of my personal needs and balances my soul. I still can't help but take stock periodically and reflect on what it truly means .... to be.