Conflicted and Confused ...

Ever been right AND wrong at the same time? Ahhh, I got you, thats kind of a trick question, because afterall, who gets to decide what is right and what is wrong. Seriously though we each choose what we feel to be right, thats just the way it has to be. There is no true peace without that ability. Without the ability to choose and to believe we are hollow.

Let me get to the core here. My life has fairly frequently showed me that often times the is a rift between what we "want" and what is "attainable".

Now the trick is figuring out when what is attainable fits. Sometimes what is attainable fills you up and makes your circle complete, it doesn't necessarily need to be exactly the way you "want" it to be.

Other times what is attainable, is just something that gets you close to where you want to be, but it won't allow you to quite complete that circle. I believe we encounter that frequently in life, and then human nature kicks in, and we struggle and pull and try to "change" it into that thing that will get us where we want to be. This is foolish and ends up causing heartache and pain. Regret closely follows, as we sit and question "how the hell did I get here" ... we got there by ignoring the facts ... we got there by not being honest with ourselves and examining our needs and being true to our personality ...

Off Days ...

Ok, so here's the deal ... I was reminded today that sometimes things that are very small in the grand scope of things can have a large effect on your mood at times. I do not understand that fully, it seems to defy logic, but it is how it is. Annoyance is very difficult for me to deal with as an individual. I have faced some big dissapointment in life, I know anger, I feel fear, and sadness has crept in without warning on more than one occasion ... and I think I handle all of those things pretty well, rarely does it seem to break my stride ... I just "deal with it" and carry on, it is life afterall, and there are more important things than the negative to focus on. That is probably what frustrates me about Annoyances, I find them to be particularly troubling because often time they are too "small" to warrant any real action, but just "big" enough to cause discomfort .... This, I do not like, it causes me to spin and begin to wrestle with my own thought process. Afterall, if something is disturbing it seems to go against the grain to leave it be and not do ANYTHING about it ... Yet jumping on every single issue and trying to clean every little detail in life up, is just silly and maddening. There is not enough energy in the day to handle that, that energy should be conserved for the big things that really matter ..... Annoyance annoys me

P.S. I Love You ...

Interestingly enough, tonight after returning the children to "the demon", I arrived home and did a few things, and then as it was time to settle in, she says "put in P.S. I Love You" ... Here's the thing, my LEAST favorite movies are "chick flicks", but I gotta say it is one of my all time favorite movies. If you have not watched it ... go get it, and watch it. It is the type of movie that, if you stop, watch, listen, and think ... it has the potential to help you see things that are otherwise missed. It has the potential to change your life ... I believe in ART, I believe that the purpose of art in this world, is to help us see, help us grow as people. There is music that will do that, there are movies that will do that, there are millions of photos and paintings that will do it .... but here is the wrinkle, none of it will do a damn thing for you if you don't take the time to notice, or appreciate it .... I urge you to stop, take the time, and "notice"

What is the sum ...

When you add it all up, how does it total out .... tell me that. I have been pondering that throughout the recent weeks and I ask YOU .... how does it all total up for you? I have seen more in my days thusfar than I would have liked. It certainly could have been worse, I have not had a "bad" life thusfar, by my estimation, but nonetheless there are a few things I would rather have not learned so early. I am not in the mood to blog about those specific issues. At this point, I am more inclined to ponder/ post this thought for you reader ..... How does it sum up ..... When you total the positives and negatives of your past and present, how does it sum up? If we really want to get "real", lets factor in our perception of our future .... so simply put, stop and think, when you consider your past, your present, and your future how do you view it .... are you "in the black" .... are there more positives than negatives? Be careful, mood plays a part in this analysis ... When we are cross, it is easier to dismiss the positives and focus on the negatives ... When we are filled with bliss, it is simpler to gloss over the negatives and be consumed with positives alone. I urge you to catch yourself in an "honest" moment and reflect. Check your total, and balance your book ... if the total isn't where it should be, adjust ....

No new blogs .... abundance of new thought

Here's the deal ... I have been wrapped in turmoil for FAR too long ... there are those that insist on dragging me back ... helping me up ... and dusting me off .... To be quite honest I have not been in the mood to sit down, and dig in, and process my thoughts and emotion over the last few weeks ...... but its coming

Outshined!?!?

In my latest addition of plagiarism I mean my latest blog. I would like to include the lyrics of one of my old favorite songs.

I got up feeling so down ... I got off being sold out ... I've kept the movie rolling ... But the storys getting old now ... I just looked in the mirror ... Things arent looking so good ... I'm looking california ... And feeling minnesota ... So now you know, who gets mystified ... Show me the power child ... I'd like to say ... That I'm down on my knees today ... It gives me the butterflies ... Gives me away ... Till I'm up on my feet again ... I'm feeling outshined ... Someone let the dogs out ... They'll show you where the truth is ... The grass is always greener ... Where the dogs are shitting ... I'm feeling that I'm sober ... Even though I'm drinking ... I cant get any lower ... Still I feel I'm sinking ... So now you know who gets mystified ... Show me the power child ... I'd like to say ... That I'm down on my knees today ... It gives me the butterflies ... Gives me away ... Till I'm up on my feet again ... I'm feeling outshined

That is Soundgarden ... Outshined (in case you didnt know)

Several things about that song strike me ... of course, it loses alot, without the emotional delivery that the band provides, but the lyrics are very inspiring as well. Especially if you know what it actually feels like to in fact be outshined. It is a given that we ALL have been outshined at one point or another, but I mean to actually understand it, to "get it". Not only to have that realization that you in fact are standing in the shadows, but to actually understand why it is happening. The side effect of that unpleasent knowledge is the realization that there isn't a damn thing that you can do about it.

So what do you do about it my friends?? ... Ahhh that is where things get complex ... the answer to this quandry is much more difficult than identification of the issue at hand ... this will take some processing

.... to be continued

Spring time

One of my favorite movie speeches (I say speech rather than quote because it is quite long) comes from the little known film Beautiful Girls. The quote is recited by Michael Rapaport's character "Paul" and goes as follows ...

Supermodels are beautiful girls, Will. A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you've been drinking Jack and Coke all morning. She can make you feel high full of the single greatest commodity known to man - promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. This particular aura can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl. In her smile, in her soul, the way she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it's going to be okay. The supermodels, Willy? That's all they are. Bottled promise. Scenes from a brand new day. Hope dancing in stiletto heels.

I do not know why that piece of the script sticks with me exactly, but it does. Actually the character development in that movie kind of hits the spot for me. It will most likely be lost on you, so do not think that I am suggesting that you run out and watch the movie. Don't get me wrong, I think its a good movie, but it is a strange sort of story with odd characters.

I have analyzed my fascination with the occasional odd movie, or strange story, or not-so-funny joke in the past. I believe that fascination is directly linked to my life at the time. for example, the afore mentioned movie was something I rented during my fresh out of college days. Those days that were filled with uncertainty and promise. I had a handful of good friends and remember dropping one of them in place of each of the characters quite easily. Its funny, I watched that movie again recently and found my first guess, as to which character each of us would reflect in the future, was quite a bit off the mark.

That seems to be one of my greatest gifts/assets and yet a huge curse at the same time. I tend to not take things for face value, I generally factor in the whole picture when I process things ... at this point I am undecided if that is a good or bad thing.