Outshined!?!?

In my latest addition of plagiarism I mean my latest blog. I would like to include the lyrics of one of my old favorite songs.

I got up feeling so down ... I got off being sold out ... I've kept the movie rolling ... But the storys getting old now ... I just looked in the mirror ... Things arent looking so good ... I'm looking california ... And feeling minnesota ... So now you know, who gets mystified ... Show me the power child ... I'd like to say ... That I'm down on my knees today ... It gives me the butterflies ... Gives me away ... Till I'm up on my feet again ... I'm feeling outshined ... Someone let the dogs out ... They'll show you where the truth is ... The grass is always greener ... Where the dogs are shitting ... I'm feeling that I'm sober ... Even though I'm drinking ... I cant get any lower ... Still I feel I'm sinking ... So now you know who gets mystified ... Show me the power child ... I'd like to say ... That I'm down on my knees today ... It gives me the butterflies ... Gives me away ... Till I'm up on my feet again ... I'm feeling outshined

That is Soundgarden ... Outshined (in case you didnt know)

Several things about that song strike me ... of course, it loses alot, without the emotional delivery that the band provides, but the lyrics are very inspiring as well. Especially if you know what it actually feels like to in fact be outshined. It is a given that we ALL have been outshined at one point or another, but I mean to actually understand it, to "get it". Not only to have that realization that you in fact are standing in the shadows, but to actually understand why it is happening. The side effect of that unpleasent knowledge is the realization that there isn't a damn thing that you can do about it.

So what do you do about it my friends?? ... Ahhh that is where things get complex ... the answer to this quandry is much more difficult than identification of the issue at hand ... this will take some processing

.... to be continued

Spring time

One of my favorite movie speeches (I say speech rather than quote because it is quite long) comes from the little known film Beautiful Girls. The quote is recited by Michael Rapaport's character "Paul" and goes as follows ...

Supermodels are beautiful girls, Will. A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you've been drinking Jack and Coke all morning. She can make you feel high full of the single greatest commodity known to man - promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. This particular aura can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl. In her smile, in her soul, the way she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it's going to be okay. The supermodels, Willy? That's all they are. Bottled promise. Scenes from a brand new day. Hope dancing in stiletto heels.

I do not know why that piece of the script sticks with me exactly, but it does. Actually the character development in that movie kind of hits the spot for me. It will most likely be lost on you, so do not think that I am suggesting that you run out and watch the movie. Don't get me wrong, I think its a good movie, but it is a strange sort of story with odd characters.

I have analyzed my fascination with the occasional odd movie, or strange story, or not-so-funny joke in the past. I believe that fascination is directly linked to my life at the time. for example, the afore mentioned movie was something I rented during my fresh out of college days. Those days that were filled with uncertainty and promise. I had a handful of good friends and remember dropping one of them in place of each of the characters quite easily. Its funny, I watched that movie again recently and found my first guess, as to which character each of us would reflect in the future, was quite a bit off the mark.

That seems to be one of my greatest gifts/assets and yet a huge curse at the same time. I tend to not take things for face value, I generally factor in the whole picture when I process things ... at this point I am undecided if that is a good or bad thing.

Fascination

Life holds many fascinations for me. I feel quite fortunate in retrospect to be where I am at this point in time mentally. I have gone through … my dreamer phase (childhood), my aimless phase (high school/ college), my searching phase (mid/ late 20’s), then my current phase which I would term my analysis phase.....

I appreciate that my life has changed and evolved in that way, it has shown me that not everything is as it seems on the surface. Perspective after all is everything. Perspective is the most important part of the events that shape our lives.

That is where the power shifts back to us as individuals. Life so often is viewed as this “thing” that deals us these uncontrollable sets of circumstances. Blindsides us with things “beyond our control”, it has been my observation, that this is an over used excuse that people cling to. They cling to this idea in an attempt to side step responsibility, and escape the effort of the thought process.....

- This makes me sad - ....

Cant Say This Enough ...

My mind has been consumed with a thought today. I have been trying to get a bead on this and simplify it a bit prior to blogging about it, but it is rich with complexity and beautiful because of it. If I had to state it simply its that "true love has come into my life and shown me the limitless possibilities that exist when another person fills you with the desire to be more than you are". My Jilly came into my life during the darkest days I have ever known. She found me broken and battered, really just a shell of a man. Somehow she saw more in me, I am still trying to figure out what drew her to me. I knew very quickly after we met that there was not another person on the planet that meshed with me the way she does.

I have written about this in the past, but just in case you missed the previous installments .... The recap is; She taught me that the "Disney Fairytail Romance" does exist ... Not because she told me it existed, not because she even seemed to believe it existed herself, she taught me by simply being the wonderful perfectly imperfect person that she is ... I was of the mindset, prior to my union with this wonderful woman, that "love" was simply two people that shared an attraction and didnt annoy each other to an intolerable point. I had that "relationships are work" mindset, and dont get me wrong, relationships DO require work.

Being with the right person makes that work something that you "want" to do. Instead of being something you do because you fell you "have" to. When I wake up in the morning and I look at that gorgeous woman laying next to me, and I get excited about the chance to share another day with her. The minutes that I spend apart from her are marked by my constant thoughts of her and longing to be back in her presence. I love her with all my heart, and that love was not something that I had to "choose to give her". My heart lept from my chest and became hers without even giving me the chance to question or second guess .... While that may sound reckless to some, rest assured my friends I have NO DOUBT that my heart has always belonged to her, I just needed some time to find her and return it to her.

I hope all my friends have found, or will find, a love like this one some day ... it is what we all deserve, but I urge you that haven't to be patient .... it truly is worth waiting for ... don't settle and sell yourself short .......... I had a phrase form in my head recently, and I posted it as my facebook staus, its worth repeating .... "Live as if your future will be determined by your choices, and love like tomorrow may not come"

The Problems of Others

Lately, I can help but notice that many people that I value a great deal have been going through struggles. As a good friend pointed out just the other day there are 3 of us (we were inseparable during high school and college) that are all going through divorce at the SAME time. Many other friends and family members are going through financial, or relationship problems, or BOTH. This makes my heart heavy. I would do anything to help those that I care for, to navigate rough waters. I have reminded myself recently however that it is the responsibility of the person in the mess to CHOOSE how best to navigate out of that mess. It can be a bit frustrating to watch someone you care about struggle, especially when they seem to MISS things that are evident from the outside looking in. As difficult as it may be to witness those struggles, it is necessary for all of us to work our way through these struggles on our own. Our role as people looking in from the outside is a "supporting cast" type role for a reason. If we made the choices in their stead, then what would they learn and take from the event? Struggles are meant to teach us and help us grow ... I firmly believe that and must remind myself, especially lately, with so many that mean so much to me faced with tough choices. I have decided that I need to step back a bit, my life is about to go through a period of change. I hope and pray that the key pieces that have been removed and damaged, via the rage and blind hatred of a mentally unstable individual, are put back where they belong, and normalcy can return. So my focus is on what is rapidly approaching, and the results that should come from all the patience and focus that it has taken to get here.

The Home Stretch....

For any that are reading this and do not already know, my life over the last couple years or so, especially the last 8ish months, has been filled with turmoil. I have had some extremely positive things occur during this last year, but it has had more than its fair share of darkness. I am finally beginning to feel like I am in the home stretch.

It is a strange feeling, it feels as though I am waking up from a bit of a trance. I will not go into detail as I could write for weeks on the challenges and injustices that I have faced over these last 8 months ... so lets just say there has been a LOT of things that have happened, that were flat out WRONG, and it has taken a great deal of patience to wait for resolution.

I mention this, only to explain where I believe the trance that I spoke of began. I think my brain simply began to go a little numb when faced with these unreasonable and unjust events. Afterall there was nothing rational that could be done to counter the irrationality I was faced with at the time. So the brain simply went into a self-preservation type mode. I look forward to finally pulling myself out of the muck of uncertainty, and finally getting to make choices based on what is known. It will be 2 weeks until that day of reckoning comes, but I look forward to it, and smell freedom in the air. I am energized with hope, and the idea that no matter the final outcome, the "wondering" will definately be OVER.

Learn As You Go ....

I am beginning to realize that life is quite frankly a constant OJT (On-the Job- Training) session. I have been given just enough intelligence (and not an ounce more) to know what to truly worry about. I over process and I over analyze. Truth is that I wouldn't have it any other way ... don't get me wrong stress and worry are not my idea of a good time. Think for a second of the alternative, honestly if we don't have the vision to see the things that we find to be unpleasant, how can we expect to know true beauty and feel real warmth. What are roses without thorns???? I guess a more fitting question is would the rose even "exist" without the thorn .... I personally do not believe so.

I am certain of very few things in life. One of those certainties is that life has some indescribably precious and spiritual moments to offer if you have the patience and vision to see them. Another certainty is that life can knock the stuffing out of you without a seconds notice. Life owes us NOTHING, it is our responsibility to sift through what is out there. I believe in fate my friends, I believe that there is a plan for us all, weather we choose to acknowledge it or not. I also believe that 75% of our "problems" in life are self created ... and the other 25% are there for a reason to help us grow and learn to be better, stronger people. It is how we CHOOSE to respond to adversity that defines us.

One of my favorite stories pops to mind ... it is about the young woman that has been beaten down by life ... she has nothing left in the tank ... she is at the end of her rope .... her mother comes to visit ... and after listening to the girl tell of her struggles, her mother leads her to the kitchen ... the mother puts 3 pots of water on the stove to boil ... she begins to explain to her daughter that there are 3 basic types of people in the world ... ... in the first pot she places some carrots as the water begins to boil ... in the second she places a few eggs ... and in the third pot she dumps a scoop of coffee grounds ... ... then she turns to her daughter and asks her to check the first pot ... "what do you see" she asks, the daughter replies "carrots" ... her mother says look closer, they are carrots but look what the boiling water has done to them they are soft and flimsy "weak" because of what they have been subjected to ..... now look at the second pot, the eggs have "hardened" .... but lets look at the third pot she says with a smile, the coffee has blended with the boiling water and actually has a wonderful aroma and flavor ... it has actually "improved" when subjected to the same environment that the carrots and eggs were placed in .... moral of the story is, that when life turns up the heat on you, when the water around you is boiling and you feel pressure, how will you respond ... will you "weaken", will you "harden", or will you "improve" because you have accepted that your environment does not define you? It is much more important to be mindful of how you reacted, than what you have been through.

I hope you all are coffee my friends ...... life really is a beautiful thing, when we take the time to look........